anger

have you ever hated you family members so much that you wish you were never born? i have, and i am right now. i don't know if my life can be considered pleasant to others. but to me, it is a hell. sure, i have to admit that what they did had gotten me where i am now. if they had not forced me to study, i would not be here at all. i might just be one of those drug addicts on the streets, almost dying of starvation.

but amidst all those, life is never a bed of roses. when i was growing up, i never had the luxury of using the computer. no games, no nothing. i cannot watch television, not even the freaking news. and even the radio, i had no privilege to it. and you can imagine what things were like with an mp3 player. i was often caned by my mother, often got into arguments with my sister, and sometimes scolded by my father. they put a lot of pressure on me all the time, especially when i am in my exam years. so scold me everyday, telling me to study. and i did because it was the only thing that seemed to shut their mouths. even sleeping early will be reprimanded. in the end, i reached a stage where i read but my heart was burning with anger and hatred that none of the knowledge actually stayed in my head.

my parents had always considered me the trouble maker, which is actually true when i was younger. but as i grew older, they still treated me the same. if anything was wrong, i was the first to be scolded. whether that trouble was natural or not. and i was so often caned for those injustices. as i reached form 5, things went from bad to worse. and from there it went to horrible. my mother especially, scolded me every single day. even the smallest things can make her shout at me. like listening to the cd player while i was studying. even that can make her scold me. i was so angry and disappointed that i often sat in my own room late at night crying. lamenting my life. so many times i took up a penknife and put it to my own wrist. it was just one push and i would have committed suicide. and it did not happen just once, or twice. it happened so many times.

being controlled by my parents had such a big effect on me that i cannot even make my own decisions in secondary school, in case they suddenly decided it was wrong and i was shouted at again. in everything that i do, i would be wondering if i did it right, or not. every day was lived in fear, because i was so afraid i will anger my parents somehow.

and even now, they still demand to control my life. yes, i know that they are sometimes very protective. but like last time, they called and told me to get back a few times when i was out with friends. i mean, hell, they had been my friends since primary school. no, even longer. since kindergarten. my parents practically had known them as long as i did. they are not drug addicts, or gangsters, or whatever bad thugs. so what is wrong with hanging out with them? i am not lounging in a bar drinking beer and smoking. i am just at my friend's barbequing some chicken wings. what harm can come from that?

and even now, i don't want to work during the holidays. in the beginning, i had wanted to. but seeing how many things that had to be done for the visa and the medical checkup and the preparations, i don't want to. in fact, at the end of this month, i had to go to kl again. and i have to have time to hav appointment with the doctor. and i have to go certify some documents. and not to mention some other smaller things that had to be done. and in the middle of august, i had to leave again. how the hell can i work? you would have thought that my father would understand but no. and after he told my sis, she also assumes that i am a very lazy person. god, i don't want to work because it is only a few months. and i won't be in sibu once in a while. and i just don't want to work. i don't have time for my friends anymore. this is probably the last time i will ever meet them in a very very long time so please, let me go out with them. they are going to be gone by the end of this month anyway. it makes me so angry to think about this. i wonder if i will get high blood pressure...

frust, sometimes

living my life is like living everyday with an itch on your back that you cannot reach. you long to scratch it yet in the end, you have to try and ignore it. and that itch comes from loving her. sometimes, i will feel so frustrated by her, because of the smallest things. sometimes, even the smallest things that she said can make me feel like so uneasy. somethings make me so frustrated. i wanted to clear it out but i can't because i am so worried that it will hurt her or make her angry. so in the end, i lived with that itch for a long time. until it becomes so common that i tend to ignore it. of course, i am speaking figuratively.

a lot of times, i thought of just leaving her behind and finding some other girl who will treat me better. and let's face it. it's not hard, considering how she treats me now. i thought of the ex-flames that i once had and compared her to them. trust me, the differences are vast. but in the end, i remained loving her and only her.

and sometimes too, i wonder who i would choose if suddenly, grace appears and said that she still loves me. then, i will have to decide between the two of them. i wonder who i will choose. after much thinking, and listening to my own heart, i knew. i would still choose her. because of all the things that we had gone through. she understands me a lot and she cares for me a lot. sure grace did too, but it was long ago. things could have changed by now. of course, if i'm hurt by her, i know i will definitely go for grace. but i know that it won't last. that kind of relationship is not based on love. its revenge. so i know... i will choose her over others.

no news is good news

have you ever heard of this saying before? beacause when there is no development in this blog, it shows that i am so happy with my life that i do not even bother to update it. yup, in a sense, it is a place that i will only turn to when i have problems or difficulties. a place of despair...

things have been pretty smooth between me and her. i sent her a text after she came back from btn and it turns out that she is very sad also because of what happened. and all those sms that i sen to her during that one whole week? she could not reply because she did not bring her handphone. and i thought that she really never wanted to talk to me ever again.

i got a broadband now, so i guess i will be on most of the time starting from now. and i'm not working, which also means that i have a LOT of free time. hope i can make full use of it. tata