heart

Sometimes I feel so frustrated. Because she cannot see what I mean. Because through chatting, she cannot ever see my facial expression. She will never know if I’m feeling well or not. A lot of times, she is still laughing when I am feeling so sad and hurt already. Sometimes, my feelings are just so simple to comprehend. I just hope she can spend more time with me. I just hope she will show more care and concern, instead of hiding it. I am not a very observant person, who can see things within her. What I do notice is the stuff that is very obvious and straightforward. And most of the time, when she does that, even though she did so much already, I would never notice a thing. And in the end, I will end up being down and sad. And the thing is, even the smallest things can affect me. So when I ask her out a few times, and she declined each time, I feel hurt very much.

I’m not really feeling very well right now. So I’m saying stupid things. But I guess these are the feelings deep down in my heart. Pure and untainted thoughts that never went through any filters. They seem childish I know, partly because I am still childish. And what I can say is that being deprived of something makes u want that thing very much. What you can never have in your childhood is what you long for when you grow up. Maybe I made a mistake, hoping that she would express her feelings more. Because she is just not the type of person who does that. And even asking her to do that sometimes hurt her. So I end up wishing for something, but I cannot tell her, because I am afraid I might hurt her when I say so.

The one thing that hurts me is that I keep on comparing her to grace. Probably because I really had such great feeling toward grace previously. And seriously, I keep on wondering if I am making a mistake waiting for her. I never thought much about this, but recent events forced me to. I do think of going for some other girl instead. Maybe even going back for grace. The only thing stopping me now is the fact that I might have a chance with jaryn. And I don’t think grace might accept me now. I gave up last year. And now I regretted it very much. It was like there was something there. But because of one small thing, that she could not join me for a movie one last time before I went back to kk, I took it as a sign and gave up. That is why I didn’t give up now with jaryn, even though there were quite a lot of signs. I was afraid the same thing would happen again. I am sick of being hurt in love so many times already. How I wish I could have a long lasting and happy relationship with jaryn. How I wished that can happen. I would do anything for that.

what the hell?

i just don't know why that everytime i plan something, something to do wif jaryn, i cant get to do it in the end? sometimes i really don't mind because they are not that important, so i can deal with it. but why do sometimes, when i went through all the trouble to plan stuff, they all turn out to be useless? and i am really frustrated already. not with her, of course. never. the fact is that i had really really did so much to plan stuff to do with her, but they always turn out to be nil. and to be honest, this is the first time that i had even did so much for a girl.

the first time was in gaya, when she visited us. and coincidentally, her birthday fell on one of the days. and i had already planned to bring her to a cafe for dinner. and it didn't work out.
the next time was in melaka, when i went all the way there to meet her. and that, i swear is the most i had ever done for any girl. i went to melaka, despite my friend's protest, despite the fact that i might not make it back to kl for my flight. and i could only meet her for a few hours. not to mention that i got rejected too. but that i understood perfectly.

and now, this afternoon, i went missing. i went to town. because i'm bringing her to a theater tomorrow, i wanted to make sure i know the places. i went and checked the theater, make sure i know the entrance, and where the building is. and since i said we would be going earlier, i went and checked out some restaurants and cafe for well, lunch or dinner or both. she said she wanted to look for a sleeping bag, so i went to a few shops to scout out the prices, so i know where they are displayed, how much the prices are. and now i learned that she most probably wouldn't be able to go out early anyway.

i don't blame her at all. not at all. i understand perfectly that she has something to do tomorrow afternoon and i don't want to force her not to go too. but why this coincidence? why is there a birthday party tomorrow? if you look at the maths, its 24 out of 365. what are the odds that the birthday fell on the day i planned? maybe this is my fault after all. i should have checked that there are no events tomorrow. i checked the timetable, made sure no matches, made sure no apointments. who would have thought to check the birthday list? and that is why i feel so disappointed. because things always turn out so badly when i really plan something. when i really do put in effort for it, it turns out wrong. it got so frustrating that i had decided to just not plan anything at all. just follow what happens. but she told me i shouldn't do that and that is why i am planning again this time. and i feel so disappointed now. i'm not blaming her at all. but why does this have to happen? haiz...

this feeling again

i just thought that i would be so happy now that she is so near to me and we're just getting along fine. but this afternoon i was proved wrong. as i always was. i never thought that my single remark that she should not go to the badminton and should instead stay at home so she can finish her work would cause such a great effect on her. i know she has to rush her work because she's going somewhere on sunday. but i can never comprehend how that remark, which to me is an act of being considerate (because i don't want her to stay up at night to finish it) became an act of discouragement to her. and if she had said that nonchalantly, i would not have minded. but it was with a sense of accusation that i didn't even know what her situation was. and to be honest, i have not felt this hurt for a very very long time. while i was taking a shower (because after that i just explained my position and left) i really was so hurt and to be honest, for the first time, i felt a bit of hatred. and even though she explained herself to me, and apologized to me, and i understood her perfectly well, the hurt lingered for a very long time. even as i type this, which is nearly 5 hours later, i still felt hurt when i thought of her. i don't mean she was wrong or anything. and i already forgave her. but this feeling doesn't just go away so easily. whenever i see her, i would suddenly feel that again. just now, when i was walking to badminton, i saw her. i was just behind her actually. i could have called out to her and asked her to wait for me. but somehow i felt that feeling again. so i didn't. and it felt like all the things that i did all this time was gone. i was just beginning to feel comfortable with her. i mean i can talk with her more casually now, even in front of her friends. but after this afternoon, it seemed like it was back to square one. i guess i was still hurt by the fact that she would be going to watch a football game with patrick. and him only. i mean a guy and a girl? you can't blame me for feeling something there. and not just 1 day, but 3. i know i have a bad memory but i was sure that she didn't tell me before. only last week. i remembered she said she would be missing more classes but she never did say. she said she told only one person. and guess what? it was auni, not me. she told me. of course i felt hurt too. but i know that i have hurt her more than she has hurt me. and i am not angry with her or anything. but this feeling will still be here for some time. i hope by the time we go for winter vacation, it will be gone. i'm not hating her or being angry with her. and i hope that if you're reading this, don't be mad. i'm just saying that i felt very hurt. and i would stick with me for sometime. no other intentions.

down... again...

i cant believe i would be writing here again after so long. but the fact that i have, shows that i feel so uneasy. things just do not seem to be as i hoped. i can almost never talk with her, except through skype and msn. i feel so disappointed because we are basically just in front of each other all the time and yet we rarely talk with each other. i has happened so many times that i just don't know if i can still hold on. hold on to what? the wish that she might one day accept me? i actually don't mind not talking with her much. but the fact is that she can spend so many time with other guys make me so... i know she said she treat them just as friends. but i really so wish to just walk her back and talk with her casually sometimes. just now, i saw that she was leaving the sports hall, and i so wanted to go talk with her and walk her back. but somehow, i hesitated. maybe it was my fault. but all this time, she had been walking back with patrick that i felt like it should be that way. and that i would be like disturbing the both of them. i did tell her some of my feelings, but she doesn't seem to understand. and it always turn out the same way. she will feel hurt instead, and i feel even worse for bringing that up. i so wanted to just spend some time with her. and yet, i never could. and to make things worse, she always said that i made her angry or hurt or disappointed. so in the end, i can't tell her anymore. i might as well just keep it deep in my heart and hurt from within. and why does she have to spend so much time playing badminton? so much that the only time i can even meet her and talk to her outside of class is in the sports hall. i just don't feel right anymore. i'm feeling very very down right now. in the past, she would be the only one who could cheer me up. but now, it seemed rather hard. sometimes, i tell her things, hoping that she would give some kind of encouragement. like some kind of reassurance. but it always returned with me hurting her or not understanding her. please can she understand me a little bit? i'm already feeling down, and yet she can manage to make me worse. so what is the point of me talking to her already? please understand that i can't say my feelings out so easily. when i tell her something, as soon as she retorted, i would lose all that i wanted to say. i guess that is why i should just write my stupid blog. this seems like somewhere for me to complain, instead of a real blog.

i'm really feeling very down right now, and i don't even know if i should tell her about this anymore. i'm so afraid that later she would say that i don't understand her o hurt her. but i just can't hold in anymore.

the thing is, she always said that she would feel shy even in front of me. in front of me with my friends, even worse. but don't i have feelings too? don't i feel shy? yes, i am a guy. i should make the move. but it doesn't mean that i don't feel anything at all. don't say i have never done anything. you think going out with her that day during deepavali was easy? not at all. i can't talk with any of them because i don't know them. and yet i still did because she said she even went out in the rain to get me a ticket. and everything happened as i thought it would. she was talking with her friends, and i was just sitting there, listening to what they are saying, wondering what they mean and hoping so much that she would just come and talk with me. but she never did.

she said i didn't talk to her much, or rather i didn't give her much to talk about. but she didn't looked so happy when she was talking with me. i mean it's quite noticeable. there is this smile when she is talking with her friends. but with me, she doesn't even smile. of course i can't talk much, seeing her like this. its like i'm some tak tau malu guy talking non-stop to her.

the one thing that really surprised me was. while she was making me feel so so miserable, when i talked with grace this afternoon, i felt happy. she actually managed to make me laugh. i wonder.

disturbance

i realise that i have not posted anything here for a very long time. in fact, i have even considered this as a forgotten land that i had abandoned a long time ago. but something, somewhere always has to pull me out of my hiding and write somethings. in this case, my feelings again. why is it that suddenly in the middle of the day, i will get so emotional? what in the world triggered this? the one thing that hurts me most right now is that she seems to be drifting further and further away. and when i stop and take a look back, i realise that the past few months have been basically, nothing. no improvements. our relationships not getting any better. its just the same as it were many many months ago. and it really really pains my heart to say this but i'm pretty sure that there won't be any happy ending for the both of us. i know i love her very much, but i don't know how she feels. and if she did feel the same, how deep is it? can it outlast our vast differences and personalities. i hate to say this but my brain can think very well and its telling me that i can't end well. and i guess this is why i feel so so down right now...

anger

have you ever hated you family members so much that you wish you were never born? i have, and i am right now. i don't know if my life can be considered pleasant to others. but to me, it is a hell. sure, i have to admit that what they did had gotten me where i am now. if they had not forced me to study, i would not be here at all. i might just be one of those drug addicts on the streets, almost dying of starvation.

but amidst all those, life is never a bed of roses. when i was growing up, i never had the luxury of using the computer. no games, no nothing. i cannot watch television, not even the freaking news. and even the radio, i had no privilege to it. and you can imagine what things were like with an mp3 player. i was often caned by my mother, often got into arguments with my sister, and sometimes scolded by my father. they put a lot of pressure on me all the time, especially when i am in my exam years. so scold me everyday, telling me to study. and i did because it was the only thing that seemed to shut their mouths. even sleeping early will be reprimanded. in the end, i reached a stage where i read but my heart was burning with anger and hatred that none of the knowledge actually stayed in my head.

my parents had always considered me the trouble maker, which is actually true when i was younger. but as i grew older, they still treated me the same. if anything was wrong, i was the first to be scolded. whether that trouble was natural or not. and i was so often caned for those injustices. as i reached form 5, things went from bad to worse. and from there it went to horrible. my mother especially, scolded me every single day. even the smallest things can make her shout at me. like listening to the cd player while i was studying. even that can make her scold me. i was so angry and disappointed that i often sat in my own room late at night crying. lamenting my life. so many times i took up a penknife and put it to my own wrist. it was just one push and i would have committed suicide. and it did not happen just once, or twice. it happened so many times.

being controlled by my parents had such a big effect on me that i cannot even make my own decisions in secondary school, in case they suddenly decided it was wrong and i was shouted at again. in everything that i do, i would be wondering if i did it right, or not. every day was lived in fear, because i was so afraid i will anger my parents somehow.

and even now, they still demand to control my life. yes, i know that they are sometimes very protective. but like last time, they called and told me to get back a few times when i was out with friends. i mean, hell, they had been my friends since primary school. no, even longer. since kindergarten. my parents practically had known them as long as i did. they are not drug addicts, or gangsters, or whatever bad thugs. so what is wrong with hanging out with them? i am not lounging in a bar drinking beer and smoking. i am just at my friend's barbequing some chicken wings. what harm can come from that?

and even now, i don't want to work during the holidays. in the beginning, i had wanted to. but seeing how many things that had to be done for the visa and the medical checkup and the preparations, i don't want to. in fact, at the end of this month, i had to go to kl again. and i have to have time to hav appointment with the doctor. and i have to go certify some documents. and not to mention some other smaller things that had to be done. and in the middle of august, i had to leave again. how the hell can i work? you would have thought that my father would understand but no. and after he told my sis, she also assumes that i am a very lazy person. god, i don't want to work because it is only a few months. and i won't be in sibu once in a while. and i just don't want to work. i don't have time for my friends anymore. this is probably the last time i will ever meet them in a very very long time so please, let me go out with them. they are going to be gone by the end of this month anyway. it makes me so angry to think about this. i wonder if i will get high blood pressure...

frust, sometimes

living my life is like living everyday with an itch on your back that you cannot reach. you long to scratch it yet in the end, you have to try and ignore it. and that itch comes from loving her. sometimes, i will feel so frustrated by her, because of the smallest things. sometimes, even the smallest things that she said can make me feel like so uneasy. somethings make me so frustrated. i wanted to clear it out but i can't because i am so worried that it will hurt her or make her angry. so in the end, i lived with that itch for a long time. until it becomes so common that i tend to ignore it. of course, i am speaking figuratively.

a lot of times, i thought of just leaving her behind and finding some other girl who will treat me better. and let's face it. it's not hard, considering how she treats me now. i thought of the ex-flames that i once had and compared her to them. trust me, the differences are vast. but in the end, i remained loving her and only her.

and sometimes too, i wonder who i would choose if suddenly, grace appears and said that she still loves me. then, i will have to decide between the two of them. i wonder who i will choose. after much thinking, and listening to my own heart, i knew. i would still choose her. because of all the things that we had gone through. she understands me a lot and she cares for me a lot. sure grace did too, but it was long ago. things could have changed by now. of course, if i'm hurt by her, i know i will definitely go for grace. but i know that it won't last. that kind of relationship is not based on love. its revenge. so i know... i will choose her over others.

no news is good news

have you ever heard of this saying before? beacause when there is no development in this blog, it shows that i am so happy with my life that i do not even bother to update it. yup, in a sense, it is a place that i will only turn to when i have problems or difficulties. a place of despair...

things have been pretty smooth between me and her. i sent her a text after she came back from btn and it turns out that she is very sad also because of what happened. and all those sms that i sen to her during that one whole week? she could not reply because she did not bring her handphone. and i thought that she really never wanted to talk to me ever again.

i got a broadband now, so i guess i will be on most of the time starting from now. and i'm not working, which also means that i have a LOT of free time. hope i can make full use of it. tata

forgetting

it has just been a few days and yet i feel like i have been suffering for so long. every single thing reminds me of her. and this hurts me even more. because so much has happened, even those smallest things can be related to her. what can i do anymore? i hate all that has happened. i even hate her now, for forcing me to stop contact with her. knowing how much it hurts me, she still insisted that i do so. that is so selfish.

i can never totally forget a person that i love so much. this is not what i think, but what i experienced before. i could never forget vivian and grace. i did eventually, but the way in which i finally forget them is.... by focusing and putting all my attention into another girl. not a rebound relationship, but more than that. with vivian, i finally forget her after falling in love with grace. and with grace, it was after i fell in love with jaryn. so now? go find another girl? what the hell can i do? i really want to forget jaryn because she hurt me so much. but how?

futsal!!!!

i hate futsal. i hate having to go to the field at 7 in the morning after i cried for like so long last night. i hate having to run around and swaet so much especially under the hot sun because i can get sick so easily. i hate futsal because when i tried, i always fail. i hate it because when i really wanted to play it so much, i end up getting injuried. great!!! an injury just when we were going to play and have a barbeque at the beach.

i am really tired and exhausted already. because i tried so hard to please the class, to make sure that the barbeque will be a success. and having an ultimatum delivered to me late last night, when i was so so sleepy and tired. and having to cry and not being able to sleep. i just love my life. it never fails to entertain me. with failures.

one day i am going to write a biography off myself and my journey as a kid, teenager and adult. then it will be a bestseller and i will have a successful life and i will have so many better choices of girls that i won't even remember who she is. but the greatest problem is that it will never come true. ever. life has failed me so many times. and i am also giving up on my life. god knows when i might just take my own life. bless me...

ultimatum

there is only so much that i can write to describe my pain. for the whole night, i couldn't sleep and when i do eventually, i woke up fearing the day. i was so afraid because of what happened last night. how i hoped that it was all just a dream. something that is untrue and i can just brush away like that. and i started crying again.

it is over. but not the way i wanted it to be. after all that we had gone through, she wanted me to give up now. after i had weathered so many storms and turbulences, she wanted me to let go now. and the fucking hurts like hell. when was the last time i cried so much for a girl? i really loved her so so much. and yet this is what happens. i'm starting to hate god already. there were only three times that i was really in love with a girl. and all three times, something just had to go wrong and break my heart. this time it's because she is not ready. what did i do to deserve this? i hate life. i want to take my own life. because the pain hurts so much. and guess what, i cut myself. because the pain serves as a distraction from the pain inside. i still don't hate her until now. and i know despite how many times i cursed her, i will still love her so much. and i know i won't be able to forget her. she was such an idiot to think that by stopping contact, i will be able to forget about her. i know her intentions. and that is why it won't work. but i will still try my best to forget her. because she wanted it so much. she wanted me to forget about her so much she is willing to hurt me and herself. there is nothing else i can do but respect her decision.

im getting too carried away

over the past few days, i have gotten too much hope in my heart. i remembered that before this, i do not hope for so much. and because of that, i do not feel as much pain as i do now. when i put so much hope, i realise that i get hurt over small and petty things. and that is the reason why i try to hide things from her. because it will hurt her if i say it out loud. but when i don't, it hurts like hell. i guess this is the price to pay, because in order for her to be happy, i have to sacrifice my feelings. better for me to suffer alone than to tell her and hurt her. it might even result in further arguments. i really don't want that at all.

lately, even though she did chatted with me, i felt sad too. because it wasn't much. when i compare myself with david, i realise that my situation is so much better. but why am i feeling so sad, even though i just didn'tchat with her much? is this how love works?

a long time ago, when i broke up with my first, and when i parted ways with grace, i vowed not to love again. that's two times. but i always do, in the end. as i have now. i am so afraid sometimes, because like in the past, i put so much hope into a girl and in the end, end up getting my heart hurt. our relationship seemed so perfect, little defects. that is the reason why i put in so much hope in the beginning. but i always end up heartbroken. people get traumatised even when their hearts got broken once. how about me? i experienced it twice.

i do feel at times that i should just give up. not because i don't love her. not because it is a one sided love. but because we both seem to have such vast differences in personalities. there are often misunderstandings too. i'm still wondering whether i should hold on now. the one main things that makes me feel this way is her priorities. i never seem to be her priority. and that hurts me very very badly. i just want to give up because of the hurt.

sorry....

i'm really sorry for my previous post, in case you have read. if you haven't please just leave it and don't ask. why am i saying this? because i suddenly realise that some people do know about this blog, which i thought is a sanctuary to me. and damn, the idea that it is not scares me. who knows who have been reading it anyway. well, back to what i was saying, i'm really sorry for saying that. it was unjustified. an act of anger which leaves me regretting. so forgive me please.

sometimes....

i just hate myself sometimes. i am very emotional, sensitive and paranoid. and i have to admit that this is a part of my weakness that deters other people from me. especially in love. i have been in a few relationships now and i have always been paranoid. and scared. i tend to think of things too deeply and too much. sometimes, i can't see that things are just as simple as it is. somehow, i have this poor thinking that nothing is as simple as it seems. if a guy gives me a smile and say good luck, i will be wondering if he has any ulterior motives or if he is sarcastic. if a friend says i am clever, i will keep on wonder if she is being cynical. this is a great weakness of mine. and i have to say that i hate being this way. i'm quite certain that it is this attribute that drove grace away from me, despite how hard i tried to deny it. in the end, her leaving me was a result of my own mistakes. mistakes that i don't even want to admit. because admitting is hard and simply because truth hurts. everyone makes mistakes. everyone has done wrong before. but admitting is a very hard part of repentance. and it is also very important if a person want to avoid doing that mistake again. the problem is, i have tried over and over again to throw this attribute of mine out the window but with no success. i am vain and egoistic. i seldom want to admit my own mistakes. and the thing is, the same applies for other people too. they too think that they are right often, and blame others. in the end, we blame each other, sever our friendship and lose friendships that sometimes take years to build.

why am i saying this all of a sudden? i just thought of it. and realise how stupid i have been all this time. not all the time, of course, but a lot of times. i pray that i will be able to change this. i don't want to do the same mistake again with jaryn. i don't want to push her away from me. i don't want to hurt her more than i have already. i'm sorry for all i have done.

feeling down

i didn't go to class today, because i was having an emotional breakdown. well, that was too strong a word to use. i just don't feel like going to class anymore. to me, it would be so much better to let us rest up these few days before the exam and let us study by ourselves. our lecturers have done their best and i think that it is only rational that we start studying ourselves. last night, i almost finished studying for my language description. surprise, surprise!!! it wasn't that long anyway. and to think that i was so stressed up because of that. but remembering the things that i have learnt during the exam? now, that's a different thing.

i was kind of sad these few days, because it has been 3 days since i last chatted with her. yes, it is only 3 days after all. but for someone like me, 1 day is already nerve-breaking. what more to say 3 days. i wanted to write this in my other blog, where she can read and know how much i missed her. but she once told me (not so long ago), that i cannot be sad over trivial matters. how can others depend on me if i myself is not strong enough? it strikes deep into my heart. so i have to keep this to myself and never tell her.

a few days ago was my ex's birthday. actually i had totally forgotten and i had no intention to wish her. but i was chatting with her bro, who happens to be my best friend, and he told me so. and i don't know if this is a mistake, but i wished her happy birthday. and the worst thing was, she just broke up with her boyfriend. all of a sudden yesterday, she texted me and said all those weird things about how hurt she is by her boyfriend. god, please don't let her get the wrong idea.

the exam is coming soon, but i don't know if i'm ready enough for it. i mean, i have not studied much. i've only finished with l des. and social studies? barely touched. and it was supposed to one of the hardest subjects in our course. great! i'm so dead. but even if i wanted to study, i can't concentrate much. i kept feeling sad because we havn't talked much these few days. i really hope that today won't be the same. but even if it is, what can i do anyway? all i can do is pretend i'm alright and lament silently...

lousy windows live

its annoying, but i will have to move most of my blogging activities here already, because i cannot write a blog in windows live? haha... sad but true. honestly!!! everytime i click on either home, profile, space, people or whatever, it comes to an empty page. it just stops working. so what am i gonna do? luckily, i have a back up blog somewhere. hahaha....

yesterday, i talked a lot with her. more like chatted anyway. and we touched some issues. i'm really sorry that i am not observant enough. that has always been my weakness. i don't know why, but i am sleepy most of the time and sometimes, while chatting with her, i do feel sleepy also. haha.... especially when we're exchanging messages. her replies can be very slow sometimes, so like in the early mornings (or late nights) that can only make me even sleepier. so i tend to miss out on a lot of things. or i don't notice things. i can even misinterpret what she says. haha... but this is not an excuse. that is why nowadays, if i'm chatting until late at night, i always do something else. to keep me awake. hehe.... but even so, that makes me less focused on her message. hehe... hard also.

suddenly today, the wireless can't be used anymore. no words can describe how sad i am when it happens. that means that i can't chat with her using msn anymore. and she didn't really like text messages too. can be quite a headache. i'll try to message her less then. life is so so boring nowadays. and even though the exam is coming soon i can't study. it's just not in my nature to study. all i can do i try to remember some important things right before the exam. because that is the only thing i can do...

long time no see!!!

sorry ya my dear dear blog. i never wrote here anymore. its been so long since i last posted here. haha... but the way my life is right now, i may never write here again. everything is cruising very smoothly right now, and i hope that it will remain that way. in any case, does she know about this blog too? she mentioned something this afternoon. god, she's scary!!! she kind of knows everything!

but i guess its my freedom to write whatever i want. i sure hope people don't read this blog because what i say may be very offensive. i hate my class. that may be exaggerated but i still hate them. okay, not all, just some. sometimes they just don't give cooperation in whatever we do. as a class, of course. that day, i was asked to discuss a few activities with the whole class and come up with some practical ones that we can do after the final exam, before we go back. but heck, i guess it is just not important right? after all, what can mr fauzi do to them? all he can do is scold me and what the heck? they're not me, so no harm done. and yeah, i think i understand that you daily dose of gossip and the latest news and that oh-so-important text message to that someone cannot wait. after all, if they missed it then, they will die.

yup, i can be very sarcastic sometimes. so much that i get hated by people for my snide remarks and sarcastc comments. the class t-shirt is another failure. we wanted something united, something that can be the identity of our class. and there you go. some don't want it. some want to do it in uk. some think its not worth it. great. i'm sure uk is the land of promises that everything will come true, including t-shirts that is cheap, made of high quality material and everyone can be satisfied with. how do you even know where to do it? by the time it is done, its time for us to graduate already. great timing.

i just don't want to be the ko this semester. didn't i make that very clear? but people insist in choosing me. maybe they believe in my abilities... maybe they just want to torture we as they had done to arvin, david and hafiz. but either way, i really wanna thank those who have been helping me non-stop when i have difficulties holding this position. namely, ben, hafiz, auni and a few others.

apart from that, my relationship/ friendship with her has been quite stable. quite happy i guess over the past few weeks. everything seemed so perfect right now. let it just remain that way until we both are in uk. then i'll try to make things work out. please support me too, jaryn...

argh!!!!

ever since i showed my windows live blog to her, my life has gone upside down. not only do i have no place to let out my heart's laments, i'll have to filter what i say very carefully all the time, because i do not know when she might be reading. because she meant a lot to me, even though i want to say a lot of things, i do not say it out. i don't want to hurt her. and in the process, i kept it to myself and hurt myself. crazy right? that's love. sacrificing myself for others. last night, i was disappointed that she did not reply my messages much. i mean i have to wait for nearly half an hour for one reply. and imagine how many messages that can be in one night, starting from 12 midnight. not much... and i was having such a half time even breathing, yet i kept myself awake to chat with her. in the end, i couldn't take it anymore so i just told her i was gonna sleep already, while keeping a very cheerful attitude. hurting but trying very hard to seem cheerful... that's what i am accustomed to already... loving her is not easy... that is why often i want to give up. yet i love her so much i cant. i just can't let go despite how much she makes me so disappointed...

what is this i'm feeling?

i feel so hurt right now. this afternoon, i left a comment on her blog. you know, just to show that i'm reading and i'm listening and i care... but guess what? her reply was "on no... pls!!! stay out.." can i take this as a kind of rejection? yup, it's quite obvious that it is. maybe i should not read her blog at all. i should just mind my own business and don't bother to understand her more. the thing is, i have always misunderstood her. i find that i never really understood her feelings, so that's why i'm trying to get to know her more. even that is wrong? last night, she seemed so so busy. so i said in my sms that she should do her work. but not even a single reply? even this morning, when i sent her a msg, her reply was so short and.... i just don't know how to say. i don't know how she feels. sometimes i really hope that she shows more of her emotions. at least tell me what she is feeling instead of keeping it a secret from me and causing me to misunderstand her all the time.

this afternoon, i came to a realisation. i suddenly realised that actually, i've already accepted the fact that she may never accept me at all. look at how long things been going on between us. for the first few months that we started knowing each other, things were really going up. but then, it just hit a barrier and never went up any more. very often, misunderstandings happen and things go down again. it takes a very long time to get things back up again but like before, it just hits a barrier at a certain level. i'm getting tired of this. is she playing with my feelings? yeah, i know we're not couples. she's not committed to me and nor am i to her. but i never seem to be one of her priorities. and before this, she wanted me to wait for her. then she told me i should give up because she's afraid she'll hurt me. how? an sign, foreshadowing that she will never ever accept me?

she makes me so hurt a lot of times. she makes me frustrated, angry, and whatever other reasons that you can think of. and no matter what, even though sometimes it's not my fault, she will always push the blame to me. that is why, even though i'm so hurt at times, i have to say sorry and admit that everything is my fault. because i love her. but now i seriously doubt if it is worth it to wait for her and go through such suffering. the thing is, i'm so in love with her. sometimes, i am just so so frustrated with her. but seeing her msg, seeing how happy she is, my frustration will just go away. its just that sometimes, she doesn't give me reasonable explanations. i really wanted to ask her for reasons, but i'm so afraid that she will be mad because i think so. it's so hard to love someone. especially someone like her. she gets on my nerves. yet, despite how much i wanted to tell her off, i just can't do so. because i love her. because i don't want to lose her.

things are even worse with my class. in case you haven't known, i'm the class monitor. and being the class monitor for my class in nothing but headache. they are a bunch of pampered children who still live in their own luxurious life where they get everything done for them. they never do what they should and in the end, they just push the job to someone else, like me. after all, what are class monitors for if not to torture and take care of all the needs of the class? do everything for them, or they will hate you and make things even more difficult for you. i really just went through the worst few days of my life here. and when i really need to talk to someone about it, there is no one. so many things are happening that i really feel like crying. i really hoped that she is there to console me and to make things better. but just when i need her the most, she is busy and do not even reply my messages. i just feel so so down right now....

the only reason i'm not breaking down and cry is because i'm in the public library. i sent her a mesage just now, hopin to be able to chat with her, tell her all my problems but until now, there is no reply. yes, i know that she's very busy, but can she at least send me a message to tell me why? no reply at all....

Alternative???

this is an alternate blog for me!!! hehe... coz this blog doesn require permission, so i cannot be so 'jiwang' and i cant say a lot of controversial things. for those of you who want to know more, go check out my windows live space. of course, if you don't have permission, then you are not in my trusted or best friend's list? haha... some things that i wrote in there are not meant to be read. especially by certain people. sorry ya...

i am so so so so sick today. i can't sleep last night because i wake up every few minutes to sneeze. non-stop sneezing. its amazing what the human nose can do. plus, the extreme headache makes me dizzy. today was no better. i'm still feeling so pening.... i think i'm gonna faint.

Day 3 (11 Mar)

somehow, i only noticed today that the time in my windows live is wrong. my mistake... today i'm gonna write very early, coz i'll probably be very busy tonite. so that means that i don't have much to write. somehow, i don't know why, i was moody the whole morning. luckily, by noon, i'm too sleepy to be moody anymore. yup, i slept at 3 again last night. why? because obviously every time i lie down on my bed, i thought of her. and with each passing day, i thought of her even more. you would have thought that i would forget her more as time passes but this is a total opposite.

i tried doing push ups and sit ups again. to make myself tired, so i can fall asleep. but even so, my stomach and arms hurt so much i cant do them anymore. guess, exhaustion wasn't a very good idea after all. in the beggining, i did not wanted to have any contact with her at all. but it seems now that i have no other choice. i was counting on a friend but i think she gave up on me. after all i'm such a useless jerk. not to mention stupid. and idiotic. and a bastard. ok, i think that's enough.

she was oline last night, but no matterr how much i wanted her to know i'm there, no matter how much i wanted to chat with her, i didn't. that was the worst thing ever for me. knowing that she was there, but holding back because i was so afraid she did not wanna chat with me. so afraid that suddenly i might say something that might cause her even more hurt and push her away from me. most of all, i'm so afraid that she is still angry with me. that was probably why i couldn't sleep last night. i miss her so so much... if only she knew....

Day 2

its the second day and once again i think of you every day... what a mess my head is now. but don't worry, because i'm putting up a tough front right now. you wanted me to be cheerful and happy right? well, i am. at least that is what others see me as right now. because deep down inside i'm hurting like hell. even when i'm on my way to this library just now, i saw the full moon and once again my heart is filled with sadness. no, this is not a metaphore. i really mean it. i remembered what it meant to me. maybe it doesn't mean much to you, but it sure meant a lot to me. for the both of us, who are so many thousands of miles apart, the only one view that we can share every night is the moon. and that is why it reminds me so much of you.

i went to a supermarket just now. and instinctively, i grabbed a can of beer, only to realise that i am being stupid. what can a can do? i should drink more. but what de heck? does making youself drunk help? it actually makes you think even more and come up with even more crazy and ridiculous ideas. which can be very harmful. in the end, i put it back.

last night, i had difficulty in sleeping, yesterday was the first night that i did not recieve a text from you wishing me good night. and somehow, without that small thing, i had so much difficulty in sleeping. even at two, i was still wide awake. and the worst thing was, when it is so late at night, when everyone is asleep, when the surrounding is oh so quiet, i tend to think even more. and when i do, i miss you even more. i cried again. because i cannot forgive myself for hurting you. at last, i did sit ups and push ups until my arms and stomach gave in. and in my exhaustion, i finally fell asleep...

Day 1

i just created this blog today, so my past few posts from my windows live blog.... well, i'll just paste them here

i dreamt about you last night. i don't remember it but i remember waking up this morning feeling very scared. it must have been an unpleasant one. for the whole day, i tried to keep myself busy (as advised by my best pal Vicki) yet even in between doing those things, my mind wanders to you. Vic, if you're reading this then let me tell you your whole advice of forgetting her is going down the drain. last night i finally got it clear with her. we should stop contact with each other for some time. i'm gonna wait till her sports meet is over. but when is that? i know this will hurt me very much. because like it or not, i'm so deeply in love with her. but i have no other choice. its for the best. if she still loves me by then, it will be alright.

she told me that she wants me to be cheerful and don't be sad. does this mean she still cares about me? right now, i'm taking it as a yes. its just that i hurt her so badly that every time she thinks of me, she'll feel very hurt. i'm sorry vic but i'm not gonna take your advice bout forgetting her. because i really love her so much. even as i write this, tears are flowing down. i can't hold it back.

i will try to hold on, even though i want to text her so much. this is a very critical time for me. i've always had problems with determination. will this time be the same? i really hope not. i'm not going to share this blog with her, or anyone else for that matter. only with my two best pals. because only they understand me the most.