what is this i'm feeling?

i feel so hurt right now. this afternoon, i left a comment on her blog. you know, just to show that i'm reading and i'm listening and i care... but guess what? her reply was "on no... pls!!! stay out.." can i take this as a kind of rejection? yup, it's quite obvious that it is. maybe i should not read her blog at all. i should just mind my own business and don't bother to understand her more. the thing is, i have always misunderstood her. i find that i never really understood her feelings, so that's why i'm trying to get to know her more. even that is wrong? last night, she seemed so so busy. so i said in my sms that she should do her work. but not even a single reply? even this morning, when i sent her a msg, her reply was so short and.... i just don't know how to say. i don't know how she feels. sometimes i really hope that she shows more of her emotions. at least tell me what she is feeling instead of keeping it a secret from me and causing me to misunderstand her all the time.

this afternoon, i came to a realisation. i suddenly realised that actually, i've already accepted the fact that she may never accept me at all. look at how long things been going on between us. for the first few months that we started knowing each other, things were really going up. but then, it just hit a barrier and never went up any more. very often, misunderstandings happen and things go down again. it takes a very long time to get things back up again but like before, it just hits a barrier at a certain level. i'm getting tired of this. is she playing with my feelings? yeah, i know we're not couples. she's not committed to me and nor am i to her. but i never seem to be one of her priorities. and before this, she wanted me to wait for her. then she told me i should give up because she's afraid she'll hurt me. how? an sign, foreshadowing that she will never ever accept me?

she makes me so hurt a lot of times. she makes me frustrated, angry, and whatever other reasons that you can think of. and no matter what, even though sometimes it's not my fault, she will always push the blame to me. that is why, even though i'm so hurt at times, i have to say sorry and admit that everything is my fault. because i love her. but now i seriously doubt if it is worth it to wait for her and go through such suffering. the thing is, i'm so in love with her. sometimes, i am just so so frustrated with her. but seeing her msg, seeing how happy she is, my frustration will just go away. its just that sometimes, she doesn't give me reasonable explanations. i really wanted to ask her for reasons, but i'm so afraid that she will be mad because i think so. it's so hard to love someone. especially someone like her. she gets on my nerves. yet, despite how much i wanted to tell her off, i just can't do so. because i love her. because i don't want to lose her.

things are even worse with my class. in case you haven't known, i'm the class monitor. and being the class monitor for my class in nothing but headache. they are a bunch of pampered children who still live in their own luxurious life where they get everything done for them. they never do what they should and in the end, they just push the job to someone else, like me. after all, what are class monitors for if not to torture and take care of all the needs of the class? do everything for them, or they will hate you and make things even more difficult for you. i really just went through the worst few days of my life here. and when i really need to talk to someone about it, there is no one. so many things are happening that i really feel like crying. i really hoped that she is there to console me and to make things better. but just when i need her the most, she is busy and do not even reply my messages. i just feel so so down right now....

the only reason i'm not breaking down and cry is because i'm in the public library. i sent her a mesage just now, hopin to be able to chat with her, tell her all my problems but until now, there is no reply. yes, i know that she's very busy, but can she at least send me a message to tell me why? no reply at all....

Alternative???

this is an alternate blog for me!!! hehe... coz this blog doesn require permission, so i cannot be so 'jiwang' and i cant say a lot of controversial things. for those of you who want to know more, go check out my windows live space. of course, if you don't have permission, then you are not in my trusted or best friend's list? haha... some things that i wrote in there are not meant to be read. especially by certain people. sorry ya...

i am so so so so sick today. i can't sleep last night because i wake up every few minutes to sneeze. non-stop sneezing. its amazing what the human nose can do. plus, the extreme headache makes me dizzy. today was no better. i'm still feeling so pening.... i think i'm gonna faint.

Day 3 (11 Mar)

somehow, i only noticed today that the time in my windows live is wrong. my mistake... today i'm gonna write very early, coz i'll probably be very busy tonite. so that means that i don't have much to write. somehow, i don't know why, i was moody the whole morning. luckily, by noon, i'm too sleepy to be moody anymore. yup, i slept at 3 again last night. why? because obviously every time i lie down on my bed, i thought of her. and with each passing day, i thought of her even more. you would have thought that i would forget her more as time passes but this is a total opposite.

i tried doing push ups and sit ups again. to make myself tired, so i can fall asleep. but even so, my stomach and arms hurt so much i cant do them anymore. guess, exhaustion wasn't a very good idea after all. in the beggining, i did not wanted to have any contact with her at all. but it seems now that i have no other choice. i was counting on a friend but i think she gave up on me. after all i'm such a useless jerk. not to mention stupid. and idiotic. and a bastard. ok, i think that's enough.

she was oline last night, but no matterr how much i wanted her to know i'm there, no matter how much i wanted to chat with her, i didn't. that was the worst thing ever for me. knowing that she was there, but holding back because i was so afraid she did not wanna chat with me. so afraid that suddenly i might say something that might cause her even more hurt and push her away from me. most of all, i'm so afraid that she is still angry with me. that was probably why i couldn't sleep last night. i miss her so so much... if only she knew....

Day 2

its the second day and once again i think of you every day... what a mess my head is now. but don't worry, because i'm putting up a tough front right now. you wanted me to be cheerful and happy right? well, i am. at least that is what others see me as right now. because deep down inside i'm hurting like hell. even when i'm on my way to this library just now, i saw the full moon and once again my heart is filled with sadness. no, this is not a metaphore. i really mean it. i remembered what it meant to me. maybe it doesn't mean much to you, but it sure meant a lot to me. for the both of us, who are so many thousands of miles apart, the only one view that we can share every night is the moon. and that is why it reminds me so much of you.

i went to a supermarket just now. and instinctively, i grabbed a can of beer, only to realise that i am being stupid. what can a can do? i should drink more. but what de heck? does making youself drunk help? it actually makes you think even more and come up with even more crazy and ridiculous ideas. which can be very harmful. in the end, i put it back.

last night, i had difficulty in sleeping, yesterday was the first night that i did not recieve a text from you wishing me good night. and somehow, without that small thing, i had so much difficulty in sleeping. even at two, i was still wide awake. and the worst thing was, when it is so late at night, when everyone is asleep, when the surrounding is oh so quiet, i tend to think even more. and when i do, i miss you even more. i cried again. because i cannot forgive myself for hurting you. at last, i did sit ups and push ups until my arms and stomach gave in. and in my exhaustion, i finally fell asleep...

Day 1

i just created this blog today, so my past few posts from my windows live blog.... well, i'll just paste them here

i dreamt about you last night. i don't remember it but i remember waking up this morning feeling very scared. it must have been an unpleasant one. for the whole day, i tried to keep myself busy (as advised by my best pal Vicki) yet even in between doing those things, my mind wanders to you. Vic, if you're reading this then let me tell you your whole advice of forgetting her is going down the drain. last night i finally got it clear with her. we should stop contact with each other for some time. i'm gonna wait till her sports meet is over. but when is that? i know this will hurt me very much. because like it or not, i'm so deeply in love with her. but i have no other choice. its for the best. if she still loves me by then, it will be alright.

she told me that she wants me to be cheerful and don't be sad. does this mean she still cares about me? right now, i'm taking it as a yes. its just that i hurt her so badly that every time she thinks of me, she'll feel very hurt. i'm sorry vic but i'm not gonna take your advice bout forgetting her. because i really love her so much. even as i write this, tears are flowing down. i can't hold it back.

i will try to hold on, even though i want to text her so much. this is a very critical time for me. i've always had problems with determination. will this time be the same? i really hope not. i'm not going to share this blog with her, or anyone else for that matter. only with my two best pals. because only they understand me the most.