anger

have you ever hated you family members so much that you wish you were never born? i have, and i am right now. i don't know if my life can be considered pleasant to others. but to me, it is a hell. sure, i have to admit that what they did had gotten me where i am now. if they had not forced me to study, i would not be here at all. i might just be one of those drug addicts on the streets, almost dying of starvation.

but amidst all those, life is never a bed of roses. when i was growing up, i never had the luxury of using the computer. no games, no nothing. i cannot watch television, not even the freaking news. and even the radio, i had no privilege to it. and you can imagine what things were like with an mp3 player. i was often caned by my mother, often got into arguments with my sister, and sometimes scolded by my father. they put a lot of pressure on me all the time, especially when i am in my exam years. so scold me everyday, telling me to study. and i did because it was the only thing that seemed to shut their mouths. even sleeping early will be reprimanded. in the end, i reached a stage where i read but my heart was burning with anger and hatred that none of the knowledge actually stayed in my head.

my parents had always considered me the trouble maker, which is actually true when i was younger. but as i grew older, they still treated me the same. if anything was wrong, i was the first to be scolded. whether that trouble was natural or not. and i was so often caned for those injustices. as i reached form 5, things went from bad to worse. and from there it went to horrible. my mother especially, scolded me every single day. even the smallest things can make her shout at me. like listening to the cd player while i was studying. even that can make her scold me. i was so angry and disappointed that i often sat in my own room late at night crying. lamenting my life. so many times i took up a penknife and put it to my own wrist. it was just one push and i would have committed suicide. and it did not happen just once, or twice. it happened so many times.

being controlled by my parents had such a big effect on me that i cannot even make my own decisions in secondary school, in case they suddenly decided it was wrong and i was shouted at again. in everything that i do, i would be wondering if i did it right, or not. every day was lived in fear, because i was so afraid i will anger my parents somehow.

and even now, they still demand to control my life. yes, i know that they are sometimes very protective. but like last time, they called and told me to get back a few times when i was out with friends. i mean, hell, they had been my friends since primary school. no, even longer. since kindergarten. my parents practically had known them as long as i did. they are not drug addicts, or gangsters, or whatever bad thugs. so what is wrong with hanging out with them? i am not lounging in a bar drinking beer and smoking. i am just at my friend's barbequing some chicken wings. what harm can come from that?

and even now, i don't want to work during the holidays. in the beginning, i had wanted to. but seeing how many things that had to be done for the visa and the medical checkup and the preparations, i don't want to. in fact, at the end of this month, i had to go to kl again. and i have to have time to hav appointment with the doctor. and i have to go certify some documents. and not to mention some other smaller things that had to be done. and in the middle of august, i had to leave again. how the hell can i work? you would have thought that my father would understand but no. and after he told my sis, she also assumes that i am a very lazy person. god, i don't want to work because it is only a few months. and i won't be in sibu once in a while. and i just don't want to work. i don't have time for my friends anymore. this is probably the last time i will ever meet them in a very very long time so please, let me go out with them. they are going to be gone by the end of this month anyway. it makes me so angry to think about this. i wonder if i will get high blood pressure...