Sometimes...

"Sometimes, you can do the right thing at all the right times, but sometimes, you just make a small mistake that explodes into something big." (How I Met Your Mother).

And sometimes, just how hard you try, you end up hurting yourself. End up beaten up and regretting so much.

And sometimes, you just wish you can just go back in time and alter that one thing that will change your life so drastically.

And sometimes, no matter how much you tell yourself to forget and forgive, there's a great pain there that hurts every second.

And sometimes, you just wish you can just shout everything out and then forget everything.

But all these times are never meant to be. Because if they were, i wouldn't be here hurting now.

Weird?

And now i really have a strong feeling that she is reading this blog... Maybe i should change the title and web address...

again with the same things

Someone once said that if you don’t hope, you won’t get hurt. Of course, this is usually only said in those really soapy romance stories where someone, usually the main character, suffers a major heartache after he/she is dumped by someone. Of course, friends of mine will also recognize that I say this all the time. Which is why I’m such a big phony. I use this phrase all the time, but when it comes to me, I never follow it. And I always, always end up getting hurt. What is wrong with me? I realised that all these while, I’ve been doing the wrong thing. I’m not going to do the same anymore. I’m not going to hope anymore. Even if it kills me, even if it breaks my relationship with jaryn, I’m not going to hope anymore. I’m done hoping. I’m done getting hurt over small things. I hate myself for being such a hopeless romantic but that is who I am. Which is why I will do whatever I can to not hope anymore. If she really cares, then she will understand this. I don’t really mind it anymore, because deep inside my heart, I don’t think there is anything more that can surprise me. Deep inside, I’ve nearly reached my limit.

Sleeplessness

There is uneasiness in my mind. It has been troubling me since a few days ago. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t sleep at all the last few nights. Even when I could, it took me a very long time to fall asleep. I promised her that I would tell her if there is anything on my mind. And I wanted to do so. But how do you do that if that something that is troubling you is her? She says that she hasn’t changed since the last few weeks. But I really feel that there is something different about her. The last few weeks, she has changed into someone that I really like. Her personality I mean. I just can’t explain it. Some simple gestures like texting me is something to me. And I can really see a difference in the past weeks and now. Is it really me that has changed? Is it because I didn’t care much so therefore it feels like she changed? I don’t know. I really don’t know. My mind itself is dumbfounded this time. All these times, it would have ideas and stuff, but this time, it is really just blank. But what is really troubling me? If what she says is true, that I didn’t care much and therefore felt that she is changing towards what I like, then by all means I shouldn’t care about her. Just leave her to be and don’t care anymore. Because that is what I did. I was really really hurt that last time so I didn’t care about her much anymore. But if she’s wrong, and she really did change, what do I do? Do I still not care about her? Is there any way for it to be like that again? Again I don’t know. My mind is very confused already. What is right and what is wrong? If I think she’s wrong, then it just means that I don’t trust her. Argh!!! My head hurts from all this thinking. And it’s taking a toll on my in my sleeplessness. I’ve had enough troubles already. Why do I need to have this too? I really want us both to get along well but we never could. Why? Why? Why??!!

What the ***?

it's like a freaking fishing game. when i don't care much about her anymore, she treats me really nice, does all sorts of things that make me feel like she cares a lot about me and i'm really important to her. she tells me she's sad because i don't seem to care much about her anymore. so, i change, i care more about her and gives her more attention than i did previously. then, things go back to before, she doesn't treat me that specially, she doesn't do much and frankly, she acts like she doesn't care much about me. what the hell?

Waiting still...

For the first time in so many months, I actually feel contented with life. Actually, I mean contented with my situation with Jaryn. Because all this while, ever since we got back from the winter trip, things have just not been right. We had been arguing almost every day, and even on days that we didn’t even had time to chat. But the last few weeks, I can see that there is a huge change in her. She’s more... expressive? I just can’t describe it. But there is a change in her. And I know that it must be hard on her, because she doesn’t like to be someone she’s not. And I know she’s probably forcing herself to do all these things. But I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her to go on like this? Because frankly, I like the way things are. We don’t argue anymore, except for a few days back and everything seems so perfect. But then, she must be suffering within, just trying to keep this up. I wonder every day if she’s okay. What should I do?

Sometimes, I really hope I can know more about what she’s feeling. She just doesn’t tell me all these. That day, she sent me an email because she’s been thinking a lot and she wants to tell me about them. But when I did write a long lengthy essay as a reply, all I get from her is an ok. I mean what is going on in the head of yours? You hate me? You don’t hate me? You’re disappointed? You won’t care that much about me anymore? What?

Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of headaches. And trust me, after I came to uk, my headaches have really decreased. So these few days, getting them is kind of surprising. And probably because the last few days things have not been going so well. I found out that there’s so much going on in her mind, and we got into a few arguments. And I really hate all this. I’ve noticed a pattern with our relationship. There’s always a great fight, from which we will get along very very well for a few weeks or months. Then suddenly, as things are so so perfect, a small disagreement happens. And it builds up into more frequent and more heated fights. Until one point, we get into such a huge fight that we kind of don’t want to talk to each other. Then, we get along again and the whole process starts all over again. I don’t want this! I want her to accept me. I want to be with her. 1 year ago, I can clearly see in my mind that we will be together. But as time passes by, until now, I’m not sure if it’s possible for us to be anything more than friends. I’m so sad because of this. Yes, things have been going on quite smoothly, but we have never been more than just friends. It’s not the title of being boyfriend and girlfriend. But it’s her acceptance towards me. I don’t know if she will ever be able to commit to a relationship with me. I wonder if she can commit to a relationship at all. I’ve been waiting for quite some time. And I’m still waiting. If in the beginning the idea of her accepting me as her boyfriend is as clear as the sun, now it’s like a dying star, it’s lights about to be put out. It’s still there, but god knows when the light’s will die out.

regret

i regret saying all those previously... i'm so sorry...

changes again

i still remember quite some time ago, i was so happy and touched when she took the initiative to text me and chat with me. because for me, it means a lot. all this time, i have always been the one to start a conversation with her, to text her and when she started doing so, i was so so happy. but somehow, i knew things were too good to be true. and i was right, because it only lasted a few days. and now, things are back the way they were previously. i text her, there is no reply. she has something on, she dooesn't tell me at all. i don't know if she gets this, but i'm not a dictator who wants to know every single detail of her life. like i'm stalking her, wanting to know every place she's going. but what i find very important is the idea that she trusts me, and regards me as a very important person that she wants to tell her stuff to. i'm not very interested in the content, but the fact that she would like to tell me, to confide in me, is what's important to me. a few weeks ago, i was so happy because that demonstrates it. but it's back to normal again. even a text message is not replied anymore. yesterday, it was the same. it was hours before she actually replied. she doesn't get it at all. i'm not a heartless person ok? i do feel worry. the least she could do was let me know. a few days before too, she just went out the whole day, until 11, and there was not a single text from her. i'm really fed up. yes, i am. not i was. if she continues on like this, i won't care anymore. i'm already starting to not care about her anymore. but i'm still trying to care. if she continues pushing me away, i seriously don't give a damn anymore.