Sadness and alcohol

I’m really very down right now. No matter how hard I tried, whatever I did, I still feel so sad. I feel like the world is so dark right now. The whole day, I went through without laughing and smiling. It feels like my world is ending.
People find it stupid to drink to forget their worries. Because it doesn’t take away their worries, it doesn’t give them solutions, it is just procrastination of their problems. And my question is: Have you ever felt so sad and down that it takes away all that you feel?
It is the same argument as in quitting smoking. People always ask you to quit smoking because it is bad. To this, smokers ask, “Have you tried to stop smoking before? If you haven’t, then don’t try to understand what I am going through.”
So, have you ever felt so sad and heartbroken? So sad that you cannot feel anything else because of a slumping feeling in your heart? I have. And when times like this, I can’t sleep, I can’t smile, I can’t concentrate on anything. Even if there is a car going towards me, I wouldn’t be able to dodge it.
The only way I can get some rest, to forger what is happening to me, is to drink. Drinking makes you drunk, makes you wasted, makes you do stupid things. But there is one particular reason why I drink. Because my brain shuts down and I get sleepy. I won’t think more of the worries and sadness I feel because frankly, there is nothing else I can do anymore. The more I think about it, the sadder I become. So let me just get drunk and pass out.
Why do you think people drink when they are sad? To release tension? To do stupid things? I am not stupid. I know that my problems won’t go away. But I also know that no matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to sleep, I won’t be able to concentrate and I will end up sleepless the whole night not doing anything but feel sad and cry. I’m not stupid to not know that it is bad for my health. But I don’t see much upside to my life now.
So the next time you tell me to not drink, let me ask you this: Have you gone through what I have?

chris down the rabbit hole

i don't understand why things just changed so much recently. i'm so tired and sad and disappointed. i don't know what more i can do. things that weren't a problem in the past is now suddenly a problem. how can things change so drastically over the past few weeks? im so tired. i'm so tired of crying so many times already. i'm tired of banging my head against the wall. i'm tired of cutting myself. i'm so tired. why has everything changed so much now?

overwhelming sadness

i feel so shitty and useless. i can't stop the tears from flowing. i'm so useless...

useless

i feel like such an ass. maybe because i am one. i feel so useless. fong, you're helpless, useless and damn, shit is worth much more than you are. i hate myself. i hate myself so much to keep on making mistakes, even though i promised myself i won't make them anymore. i am so useless. i hurt her all the time. i don't want to but somehow, i always act stupidly. why am i so useless!!!??? I AM SO USELESS...

Amagami ss

Yea. Its a new anime that i'm watching. But it really gets me down sometimes. Its just that it is a romantic anime and seriously, i don't need that. It makes me sad when i think about my own life. When i think about how perfect that guy in that anime had it. Why can't i have the same? it really hurts to watch it and then look at my own life. I'm so pathetic. Every day i wish my life would be like a perfect romantic story and everything would be smooth and great. I'm not sure how far reality is from my expectations. Maybe lignt years away. Recently, i've become more and more depressed. Somethings happened lately that really just leave me speechless. I find myself unable to sleep at night. I mean seriously? is my life not fucked up already? what more can life throw at me to make it worse? i'm really down all the time. And nothing to cheer me up. Every day i dread waking up to see my bullshit life. Why can't i have moments of happiness? is it so hard for me to get that beautiful perfect romantic story told in stories? why cant i obtain happiness? for a long time now, i havn't had any great things to look forward to. My life is as fucked up as always and i just trudge forward everyday hoping that the very next day, things will be different. So please, let my life be more smooth. Give me something to look forward to. Something that won't make me feel so depressed all the time.

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Test

Just gonna test the effectiveness of android applications

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Out of my coccoon

It's been so long since i last left my room. a week probably. or maybe more. god knows what i do in my room anyway. i'm not sure myself. in fact, i have a feeling that if david were to come to my room one day, he'll find me siting in front of my laptop with long uncombed hair and unshaved beard. hahaha... i've gone through so many animes and tv series that i don't know what to do anymore. maybe i'll just lie in bed the whole day. so now i'm going to make a personal resolution. i'm going to cycle everyday. that is if i'm not too tired from badminton. because suddenly, i don't know wny, i feel conscious of my weight. ok not weight but size. haiz...

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Clueless

right now, i'm so clueless already. i feel sad. i feel hurt. i feel like i have hurt her again. i just don'tknow how to do things right anymore. do i have to hide my feelings whenever i feel sad and down? i should tell her the truth but what if the truth will hurt her? i really don't want to feel this way anymore. i just don't know anymore. i feel just so sad that she might be gone again soon. this time for even longer. the only silver lining that i had was that i will have the summer holidays to spend with her. but now, she might not even be here. how should i feel? but how can i even stop her? i want her to be happy. but the thought of her being away again. how can i not feel hurt? in the end, i guess i have to sacrifice what i feel. so she will be happy. is that it? i don't know how much more i can hold on to. if there are other fishes waiting, why keep on trying to hook this one? i love her so much. but sometimes, i get doubts myself. all i know is that i love her and i will wait for as long as i can.

Everthing's mobile!

This is my first blog using my extraoedinarily large mobile phone. Things havereally improved  lot, hasn't it? People are literally flying, i am writing my blog with my dell streak! Amazing! Still a lot of typos though. Haha... But i'm so excited by the fact that i have so much freedom to do so many rhings through this mobile. In fact, i've synchronised all my emails to this so that i can check and reply to emails everywhere. The only thing still missing is skype. Then it would be perfect. Of course, i keep on making typos but i'm sure it will improve. Surely... Hehe...

Anyway, before this, i noticed a dead pixel on my screen. I went back to o2 and surprisingly, they gave me a brand new replacement! I just showed the problem, and my receipt. Immediately, they got me a new one! Just see if you get this kind of treatment in malaysia! Haha... Ok gonna sleep finally.

dreams?

i guess dreams tell me a lot of things. what in fact? when i finally knocked myself out last night/this morning, the first dream i had was me and her getting back together. not romantic stuff. just us getting along well like we did before this. when i woke up, i realised that it wasn't real at all and tears start coming down again. i woke up so many times during the night, and every time i do, i remember the situation i am in and i feel so sad again. i guess it affected me deeply. so deep that my subconcious/my mind made me dream about us. i guess it shows how much i want that to happen now. but i really am not sure already. how do i preservere if she has given up?

so hurt

i just cant stop crying right now. it really hurts so much now. i don't know what can i say anymore except that i am so so hurt right now. i can't stop feeling hurt. i can't stop crying now.

I've had it!!!

I really don’t know what else I can do anymore. I have tried my very best to be patient and understanding. To accept what she does and to forgive and forget. I r4eally don’t know how I can do this anymore. Every day, I get so hurt by something she did. And yet every time, I just forgive her and hope that the next day will be better. Every time, I am the one who has to apologize. Every time, I have to accept defeat. Has she ever understood what this means to my self confidence? If I have to give in and apologize all the time even though I don’t think it’s my fault, what do you think I will become? I just don’t know anymore. Every day I hope things will get better and better. I keep on hoping and hoping. I am really a very persevere person. No matter what, I don’t give up. But even the hardest rock will eventually break. There is a limit to everything. It’s just how much. Just when I got so happy today, she went and nicked my feelings. Okay, that I understood. But how hard is it to type 1 word? One short word, one syllable, four letters. Wait. One word is all I need. That’s all I need. Is that really so fucking unreasonable? I can’t take this anymore. All the things she said seem so useless now. What is the use of saying all those if you end up doing things like this? You don’t want to push me to the edge but that is exactly what you did.

WTF???

Oh I know, I should not get so mad because someone somewhere, forgot this small pitiful soul who is eager to go and help out for the Malaysian Fest. I’m sure that in the business of their daily lives, people just forget to inform one person. Hey! No biggie! It’s just one person, who cares?
I care! That’s what. In the beginning, I didn’t go because nobody informed me. And there goes rumours/grunts/complaints that I did not go and help. It’s so unfair. But sure, I accept that people are busy (I’m pretty sure they run multi-million companies that if left unattended for one minute, will lose a contract worth millions of dollars) so they forgot to inform me. I mean I didn’t get emails, I didn’t get word of mouth, so how the hell do I suppose to know there is meeting or work, or whatever stuff they want help with. And now, after I tried so hard to go every time, they just fail to inform me when there is no work/practice. What the f***? Seriously! WTF?

Sometimes...

"Sometimes, you can do the right thing at all the right times, but sometimes, you just make a small mistake that explodes into something big." (How I Met Your Mother).

And sometimes, just how hard you try, you end up hurting yourself. End up beaten up and regretting so much.

And sometimes, you just wish you can just go back in time and alter that one thing that will change your life so drastically.

And sometimes, no matter how much you tell yourself to forget and forgive, there's a great pain there that hurts every second.

And sometimes, you just wish you can just shout everything out and then forget everything.

But all these times are never meant to be. Because if they were, i wouldn't be here hurting now.

Weird?

And now i really have a strong feeling that she is reading this blog... Maybe i should change the title and web address...

again with the same things

Someone once said that if you don’t hope, you won’t get hurt. Of course, this is usually only said in those really soapy romance stories where someone, usually the main character, suffers a major heartache after he/she is dumped by someone. Of course, friends of mine will also recognize that I say this all the time. Which is why I’m such a big phony. I use this phrase all the time, but when it comes to me, I never follow it. And I always, always end up getting hurt. What is wrong with me? I realised that all these while, I’ve been doing the wrong thing. I’m not going to do the same anymore. I’m not going to hope anymore. Even if it kills me, even if it breaks my relationship with jaryn, I’m not going to hope anymore. I’m done hoping. I’m done getting hurt over small things. I hate myself for being such a hopeless romantic but that is who I am. Which is why I will do whatever I can to not hope anymore. If she really cares, then she will understand this. I don’t really mind it anymore, because deep inside my heart, I don’t think there is anything more that can surprise me. Deep inside, I’ve nearly reached my limit.

Sleeplessness

There is uneasiness in my mind. It has been troubling me since a few days ago. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t sleep at all the last few nights. Even when I could, it took me a very long time to fall asleep. I promised her that I would tell her if there is anything on my mind. And I wanted to do so. But how do you do that if that something that is troubling you is her? She says that she hasn’t changed since the last few weeks. But I really feel that there is something different about her. The last few weeks, she has changed into someone that I really like. Her personality I mean. I just can’t explain it. Some simple gestures like texting me is something to me. And I can really see a difference in the past weeks and now. Is it really me that has changed? Is it because I didn’t care much so therefore it feels like she changed? I don’t know. I really don’t know. My mind itself is dumbfounded this time. All these times, it would have ideas and stuff, but this time, it is really just blank. But what is really troubling me? If what she says is true, that I didn’t care much and therefore felt that she is changing towards what I like, then by all means I shouldn’t care about her. Just leave her to be and don’t care anymore. Because that is what I did. I was really really hurt that last time so I didn’t care about her much anymore. But if she’s wrong, and she really did change, what do I do? Do I still not care about her? Is there any way for it to be like that again? Again I don’t know. My mind is very confused already. What is right and what is wrong? If I think she’s wrong, then it just means that I don’t trust her. Argh!!! My head hurts from all this thinking. And it’s taking a toll on my in my sleeplessness. I’ve had enough troubles already. Why do I need to have this too? I really want us both to get along well but we never could. Why? Why? Why??!!

What the ***?

it's like a freaking fishing game. when i don't care much about her anymore, she treats me really nice, does all sorts of things that make me feel like she cares a lot about me and i'm really important to her. she tells me she's sad because i don't seem to care much about her anymore. so, i change, i care more about her and gives her more attention than i did previously. then, things go back to before, she doesn't treat me that specially, she doesn't do much and frankly, she acts like she doesn't care much about me. what the hell?

Waiting still...

For the first time in so many months, I actually feel contented with life. Actually, I mean contented with my situation with Jaryn. Because all this while, ever since we got back from the winter trip, things have just not been right. We had been arguing almost every day, and even on days that we didn’t even had time to chat. But the last few weeks, I can see that there is a huge change in her. She’s more... expressive? I just can’t describe it. But there is a change in her. And I know that it must be hard on her, because she doesn’t like to be someone she’s not. And I know she’s probably forcing herself to do all these things. But I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her to go on like this? Because frankly, I like the way things are. We don’t argue anymore, except for a few days back and everything seems so perfect. But then, she must be suffering within, just trying to keep this up. I wonder every day if she’s okay. What should I do?

Sometimes, I really hope I can know more about what she’s feeling. She just doesn’t tell me all these. That day, she sent me an email because she’s been thinking a lot and she wants to tell me about them. But when I did write a long lengthy essay as a reply, all I get from her is an ok. I mean what is going on in the head of yours? You hate me? You don’t hate me? You’re disappointed? You won’t care that much about me anymore? What?

Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of headaches. And trust me, after I came to uk, my headaches have really decreased. So these few days, getting them is kind of surprising. And probably because the last few days things have not been going so well. I found out that there’s so much going on in her mind, and we got into a few arguments. And I really hate all this. I’ve noticed a pattern with our relationship. There’s always a great fight, from which we will get along very very well for a few weeks or months. Then suddenly, as things are so so perfect, a small disagreement happens. And it builds up into more frequent and more heated fights. Until one point, we get into such a huge fight that we kind of don’t want to talk to each other. Then, we get along again and the whole process starts all over again. I don’t want this! I want her to accept me. I want to be with her. 1 year ago, I can clearly see in my mind that we will be together. But as time passes by, until now, I’m not sure if it’s possible for us to be anything more than friends. I’m so sad because of this. Yes, things have been going on quite smoothly, but we have never been more than just friends. It’s not the title of being boyfriend and girlfriend. But it’s her acceptance towards me. I don’t know if she will ever be able to commit to a relationship with me. I wonder if she can commit to a relationship at all. I’ve been waiting for quite some time. And I’m still waiting. If in the beginning the idea of her accepting me as her boyfriend is as clear as the sun, now it’s like a dying star, it’s lights about to be put out. It’s still there, but god knows when the light’s will die out.

regret

i regret saying all those previously... i'm so sorry...

changes again

i still remember quite some time ago, i was so happy and touched when she took the initiative to text me and chat with me. because for me, it means a lot. all this time, i have always been the one to start a conversation with her, to text her and when she started doing so, i was so so happy. but somehow, i knew things were too good to be true. and i was right, because it only lasted a few days. and now, things are back the way they were previously. i text her, there is no reply. she has something on, she dooesn't tell me at all. i don't know if she gets this, but i'm not a dictator who wants to know every single detail of her life. like i'm stalking her, wanting to know every place she's going. but what i find very important is the idea that she trusts me, and regards me as a very important person that she wants to tell her stuff to. i'm not very interested in the content, but the fact that she would like to tell me, to confide in me, is what's important to me. a few weeks ago, i was so happy because that demonstrates it. but it's back to normal again. even a text message is not replied anymore. yesterday, it was the same. it was hours before she actually replied. she doesn't get it at all. i'm not a heartless person ok? i do feel worry. the least she could do was let me know. a few days before too, she just went out the whole day, until 11, and there was not a single text from her. i'm really fed up. yes, i am. not i was. if she continues on like this, i won't care anymore. i'm already starting to not care about her anymore. but i'm still trying to care. if she continues pushing me away, i seriously don't give a damn anymore.

why?

i can't help but notice that i have changed a lot this last few days. or maybe weeks. i'm not sure about the time anymore. it seems that i am more tolerant than usual, and i can be more patient about things that i normally couldn't be. i don't know why, but i have a feeling it's because i'm really really close to giving up already. so many things have happened in the past few months and it has really pushed me to the edge. like i said before, a small nudge is all it takes to make me give up. and i guess all this time, i've been getting extremely small nudges that are barely noticeable, up until now, when i look back and wonder to myself. why am i so tolerant now? and the answer to that came to me when i was in the toilet now. laugh at me, but the toilet is one of the best places to think. long periods of time? with nothing to do? think! and i realise that i don't care so much about her anymore. i guess my love for her is starting to fade. because now, i can't be bothered by what she does anymore. not that i don't care about her at all. but not as much anymore. and i guess this means that i am slowly giving up on her. how long have i waited for her? how much improvement have i got? i remember when i first got here, i would have jumped at any opportunity to have some time with her. but i always couldn't. and i'm so sick and tired of trying that now, even when i realised that i have a chance, i didn't take it anymore. i guess things are going downhill. i know that when i myself have decided it, there's nothing much that can be done anymore. all this while, i have been unwilling to give up, because i always have this idea that we could somehow be together. but i really can't take it anymore. i have always been there for her, sacrificing my time and energy for her. but there is not much difference at all. why am i the one who always has to scrifice my time n effort to have time with her? why can't she do the same for me? why, after all i've done, she still refuses to accept me? why why why? ii'm so tired already.

broken hearted

i am really so sad and hurt right now. beccause i have decided that i should give up on jaryn. because of one small disagreement. because this time, i refuse to give in and don't want to apologize. and i so hate myself for not doing so. but it is too late, because she hates me to the core right now and i know, she is not the best girl around anyway. i hate her for a number of reasons. but always, i tend to let her good side overshadow her bad side. but somehow, in times like this, her negative side proves superior. i totally understand now why people drink when they are sad and broken hearted. yup, stupid thing to do, but i did that anyway. because i was really sad and hurt, i took quite a lot of shots of vodka. and yeah, i got so dizzy that i couldn't even keep myself walking straight. and i went straight to bed. i just woke up minutes ago, and i don't think the effects are gone, but they have surely weakened. i guess alcohol is going to be my best friend from now on. she used to stop me and prohibit me from taking. but i don't really care anymore.

despair... is it time for me to give up?

i have always waited for her. i am still waiting too. but i am now wondering if the time has come for me to let it all go. because what she did these last few days has really hurt me beyond words can express. before this, the many simple things that she did can just lift my spirits up. but now, it feels like not much anymore. what ever she did before this would not have hurt me so much, but now it seems like the smallest things can cause me to bleed so much. am i getting too sensitive? am i getting too emotional? i think i am. and i really feel fear. fear that this is the beginning of the end. because i have seen this before and sadly to say, i am not the type who can give up even though i see this coming. i am like an idiot, clinging on to this dying relationship to the very end. hoping to the end. i rarely go out with her anymore. even when i wanted to walk with her to class, she refuses. only when she will pass by my house, then she allows me to walk with her. she has really changed a lot. and i'm wondering if i am still in love with this person who has changed? can i still wait for her? i am so considering what david has said. because he knows my situation the best. and he is rational. it is this time that i need his advice the most. when i am not thinkin rationally, but affected by my feelings. maybe he's right. maybe i should just forget jaryn and go for ben. she has really been so nice to me. she's always so caring toward me and i can say that most people even think that we are so suitable together. the same interests and all. i can't just stop loving a person. because i am an idiot who clings to the very love that may be failing.