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Sometimes I feel so frustrated. Because she cannot see what I mean. Because through chatting, she cannot ever see my facial expression. She will never know if I’m feeling well or not. A lot of times, she is still laughing when I am feeling so sad and hurt already. Sometimes, my feelings are just so simple to comprehend. I just hope she can spend more time with me. I just hope she will show more care and concern, instead of hiding it. I am not a very observant person, who can see things within her. What I do notice is the stuff that is very obvious and straightforward. And most of the time, when she does that, even though she did so much already, I would never notice a thing. And in the end, I will end up being down and sad. And the thing is, even the smallest things can affect me. So when I ask her out a few times, and she declined each time, I feel hurt very much.

I’m not really feeling very well right now. So I’m saying stupid things. But I guess these are the feelings deep down in my heart. Pure and untainted thoughts that never went through any filters. They seem childish I know, partly because I am still childish. And what I can say is that being deprived of something makes u want that thing very much. What you can never have in your childhood is what you long for when you grow up. Maybe I made a mistake, hoping that she would express her feelings more. Because she is just not the type of person who does that. And even asking her to do that sometimes hurt her. So I end up wishing for something, but I cannot tell her, because I am afraid I might hurt her when I say so.

The one thing that hurts me is that I keep on comparing her to grace. Probably because I really had such great feeling toward grace previously. And seriously, I keep on wondering if I am making a mistake waiting for her. I never thought much about this, but recent events forced me to. I do think of going for some other girl instead. Maybe even going back for grace. The only thing stopping me now is the fact that I might have a chance with jaryn. And I don’t think grace might accept me now. I gave up last year. And now I regretted it very much. It was like there was something there. But because of one small thing, that she could not join me for a movie one last time before I went back to kk, I took it as a sign and gave up. That is why I didn’t give up now with jaryn, even though there were quite a lot of signs. I was afraid the same thing would happen again. I am sick of being hurt in love so many times already. How I wish I could have a long lasting and happy relationship with jaryn. How I wished that can happen. I would do anything for that.

what the hell?

i just don't know why that everytime i plan something, something to do wif jaryn, i cant get to do it in the end? sometimes i really don't mind because they are not that important, so i can deal with it. but why do sometimes, when i went through all the trouble to plan stuff, they all turn out to be useless? and i am really frustrated already. not with her, of course. never. the fact is that i had really really did so much to plan stuff to do with her, but they always turn out to be nil. and to be honest, this is the first time that i had even did so much for a girl.

the first time was in gaya, when she visited us. and coincidentally, her birthday fell on one of the days. and i had already planned to bring her to a cafe for dinner. and it didn't work out.
the next time was in melaka, when i went all the way there to meet her. and that, i swear is the most i had ever done for any girl. i went to melaka, despite my friend's protest, despite the fact that i might not make it back to kl for my flight. and i could only meet her for a few hours. not to mention that i got rejected too. but that i understood perfectly.

and now, this afternoon, i went missing. i went to town. because i'm bringing her to a theater tomorrow, i wanted to make sure i know the places. i went and checked the theater, make sure i know the entrance, and where the building is. and since i said we would be going earlier, i went and checked out some restaurants and cafe for well, lunch or dinner or both. she said she wanted to look for a sleeping bag, so i went to a few shops to scout out the prices, so i know where they are displayed, how much the prices are. and now i learned that she most probably wouldn't be able to go out early anyway.

i don't blame her at all. not at all. i understand perfectly that she has something to do tomorrow afternoon and i don't want to force her not to go too. but why this coincidence? why is there a birthday party tomorrow? if you look at the maths, its 24 out of 365. what are the odds that the birthday fell on the day i planned? maybe this is my fault after all. i should have checked that there are no events tomorrow. i checked the timetable, made sure no matches, made sure no apointments. who would have thought to check the birthday list? and that is why i feel so disappointed. because things always turn out so badly when i really plan something. when i really do put in effort for it, it turns out wrong. it got so frustrating that i had decided to just not plan anything at all. just follow what happens. but she told me i shouldn't do that and that is why i am planning again this time. and i feel so disappointed now. i'm not blaming her at all. but why does this have to happen? haiz...