why?

i can't help but notice that i have changed a lot this last few days. or maybe weeks. i'm not sure about the time anymore. it seems that i am more tolerant than usual, and i can be more patient about things that i normally couldn't be. i don't know why, but i have a feeling it's because i'm really really close to giving up already. so many things have happened in the past few months and it has really pushed me to the edge. like i said before, a small nudge is all it takes to make me give up. and i guess all this time, i've been getting extremely small nudges that are barely noticeable, up until now, when i look back and wonder to myself. why am i so tolerant now? and the answer to that came to me when i was in the toilet now. laugh at me, but the toilet is one of the best places to think. long periods of time? with nothing to do? think! and i realise that i don't care so much about her anymore. i guess my love for her is starting to fade. because now, i can't be bothered by what she does anymore. not that i don't care about her at all. but not as much anymore. and i guess this means that i am slowly giving up on her. how long have i waited for her? how much improvement have i got? i remember when i first got here, i would have jumped at any opportunity to have some time with her. but i always couldn't. and i'm so sick and tired of trying that now, even when i realised that i have a chance, i didn't take it anymore. i guess things are going downhill. i know that when i myself have decided it, there's nothing much that can be done anymore. all this while, i have been unwilling to give up, because i always have this idea that we could somehow be together. but i really can't take it anymore. i have always been there for her, sacrificing my time and energy for her. but there is not much difference at all. why am i the one who always has to scrifice my time n effort to have time with her? why can't she do the same for me? why, after all i've done, she still refuses to accept me? why why why? ii'm so tired already.

broken hearted

i am really so sad and hurt right now. beccause i have decided that i should give up on jaryn. because of one small disagreement. because this time, i refuse to give in and don't want to apologize. and i so hate myself for not doing so. but it is too late, because she hates me to the core right now and i know, she is not the best girl around anyway. i hate her for a number of reasons. but always, i tend to let her good side overshadow her bad side. but somehow, in times like this, her negative side proves superior. i totally understand now why people drink when they are sad and broken hearted. yup, stupid thing to do, but i did that anyway. because i was really sad and hurt, i took quite a lot of shots of vodka. and yeah, i got so dizzy that i couldn't even keep myself walking straight. and i went straight to bed. i just woke up minutes ago, and i don't think the effects are gone, but they have surely weakened. i guess alcohol is going to be my best friend from now on. she used to stop me and prohibit me from taking. but i don't really care anymore.