heart

Sometimes I feel so frustrated. Because she cannot see what I mean. Because through chatting, she cannot ever see my facial expression. She will never know if I’m feeling well or not. A lot of times, she is still laughing when I am feeling so sad and hurt already. Sometimes, my feelings are just so simple to comprehend. I just hope she can spend more time with me. I just hope she will show more care and concern, instead of hiding it. I am not a very observant person, who can see things within her. What I do notice is the stuff that is very obvious and straightforward. And most of the time, when she does that, even though she did so much already, I would never notice a thing. And in the end, I will end up being down and sad. And the thing is, even the smallest things can affect me. So when I ask her out a few times, and she declined each time, I feel hurt very much.

I’m not really feeling very well right now. So I’m saying stupid things. But I guess these are the feelings deep down in my heart. Pure and untainted thoughts that never went through any filters. They seem childish I know, partly because I am still childish. And what I can say is that being deprived of something makes u want that thing very much. What you can never have in your childhood is what you long for when you grow up. Maybe I made a mistake, hoping that she would express her feelings more. Because she is just not the type of person who does that. And even asking her to do that sometimes hurt her. So I end up wishing for something, but I cannot tell her, because I am afraid I might hurt her when I say so.

The one thing that hurts me is that I keep on comparing her to grace. Probably because I really had such great feeling toward grace previously. And seriously, I keep on wondering if I am making a mistake waiting for her. I never thought much about this, but recent events forced me to. I do think of going for some other girl instead. Maybe even going back for grace. The only thing stopping me now is the fact that I might have a chance with jaryn. And I don’t think grace might accept me now. I gave up last year. And now I regretted it very much. It was like there was something there. But because of one small thing, that she could not join me for a movie one last time before I went back to kk, I took it as a sign and gave up. That is why I didn’t give up now with jaryn, even though there were quite a lot of signs. I was afraid the same thing would happen again. I am sick of being hurt in love so many times already. How I wish I could have a long lasting and happy relationship with jaryn. How I wished that can happen. I would do anything for that.