i cant believe i would be writing here again after so long. but the fact that i have, shows that i feel so uneasy. things just do not seem to be as i hoped. i can almost never talk with her, except through skype and msn. i feel so disappointed because we are basically just in front of each other all the time and yet we rarely talk with each other. i has happened so many times that i just don't know if i can still hold on. hold on to what? the wish that she might one day accept me? i actually don't mind not talking with her much. but the fact is that she can spend so many time with other guys make me so... i know she said she treat them just as friends. but i really so wish to just walk her back and talk with her casually sometimes. just now, i saw that she was leaving the sports hall, and i so wanted to go talk with her and walk her back. but somehow, i hesitated. maybe it was my fault. but all this time, she had been walking back with patrick that i felt like it should be that way. and that i would be like disturbing the both of them. i did tell her some of my feelings, but she doesn't seem to understand. and it always turn out the same way. she will feel hurt instead, and i feel even worse for bringing that up. i so wanted to just spend some time with her. and yet, i never could. and to make things worse, she always said that i made her angry or hurt or disappointed. so in the end, i can't tell her anymore. i might as well just keep it deep in my heart and hurt from within. and why does she have to spend so much time playing badminton? so much that the only time i can even meet her and talk to her outside of class is in the sports hall. i just don't feel right anymore. i'm feeling very very down right now. in the past, she would be the only one who could cheer me up. but now, it seemed rather hard. sometimes, i tell her things, hoping that she would give some kind of encouragement. like some kind of reassurance. but it always returned with me hurting her or not understanding her. please can she understand me a little bit? i'm already feeling down, and yet she can manage to make me worse. so what is the point of me talking to her already? please understand that i can't say my feelings out so easily. when i tell her something, as soon as she retorted, i would lose all that i wanted to say. i guess that is why i should just write my stupid blog. this seems like somewhere for me to complain, instead of a real blog.
i'm really feeling very down right now, and i don't even know if i should tell her about this anymore. i'm so afraid that later she would say that i don't understand her o hurt her. but i just can't hold in anymore.
the thing is, she always said that she would feel shy even in front of me. in front of me with my friends, even worse. but don't i have feelings too? don't i feel shy? yes, i am a guy. i should make the move. but it doesn't mean that i don't feel anything at all. don't say i have never done anything. you think going out with her that day during deepavali was easy? not at all. i can't talk with any of them because i don't know them. and yet i still did because she said she even went out in the rain to get me a ticket. and everything happened as i thought it would. she was talking with her friends, and i was just sitting there, listening to what they are saying, wondering what they mean and hoping so much that she would just come and talk with me. but she never did.
she said i didn't talk to her much, or rather i didn't give her much to talk about. but she didn't looked so happy when she was talking with me. i mean it's quite noticeable. there is this smile when she is talking with her friends. but with me, she doesn't even smile. of course i can't talk much, seeing her like this. its like i'm some tak tau malu guy talking non-stop to her.
the one thing that really surprised me was. while she was making me feel so so miserable, when i talked with grace this afternoon, i felt happy. she actually managed to make me laugh. i wonder.
i'm really feeling very down right now, and i don't even know if i should tell her about this anymore. i'm so afraid that later she would say that i don't understand her o hurt her. but i just can't hold in anymore.
the thing is, she always said that she would feel shy even in front of me. in front of me with my friends, even worse. but don't i have feelings too? don't i feel shy? yes, i am a guy. i should make the move. but it doesn't mean that i don't feel anything at all. don't say i have never done anything. you think going out with her that day during deepavali was easy? not at all. i can't talk with any of them because i don't know them. and yet i still did because she said she even went out in the rain to get me a ticket. and everything happened as i thought it would. she was talking with her friends, and i was just sitting there, listening to what they are saying, wondering what they mean and hoping so much that she would just come and talk with me. but she never did.
she said i didn't talk to her much, or rather i didn't give her much to talk about. but she didn't looked so happy when she was talking with me. i mean it's quite noticeable. there is this smile when she is talking with her friends. but with me, she doesn't even smile. of course i can't talk much, seeing her like this. its like i'm some tak tau malu guy talking non-stop to her.
the one thing that really surprised me was. while she was making me feel so so miserable, when i talked with grace this afternoon, i felt happy. she actually managed to make me laugh. i wonder.
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