argh!!!!

ever since i showed my windows live blog to her, my life has gone upside down. not only do i have no place to let out my heart's laments, i'll have to filter what i say very carefully all the time, because i do not know when she might be reading. because she meant a lot to me, even though i want to say a lot of things, i do not say it out. i don't want to hurt her. and in the process, i kept it to myself and hurt myself. crazy right? that's love. sacrificing myself for others. last night, i was disappointed that she did not reply my messages much. i mean i have to wait for nearly half an hour for one reply. and imagine how many messages that can be in one night, starting from 12 midnight. not much... and i was having such a half time even breathing, yet i kept myself awake to chat with her. in the end, i couldn't take it anymore so i just told her i was gonna sleep already, while keeping a very cheerful attitude. hurting but trying very hard to seem cheerful... that's what i am accustomed to already... loving her is not easy... that is why often i want to give up. yet i love her so much i cant. i just can't let go despite how much she makes me so disappointed...