what is this i'm feeling?

i feel so hurt right now. this afternoon, i left a comment on her blog. you know, just to show that i'm reading and i'm listening and i care... but guess what? her reply was "on no... pls!!! stay out.." can i take this as a kind of rejection? yup, it's quite obvious that it is. maybe i should not read her blog at all. i should just mind my own business and don't bother to understand her more. the thing is, i have always misunderstood her. i find that i never really understood her feelings, so that's why i'm trying to get to know her more. even that is wrong? last night, she seemed so so busy. so i said in my sms that she should do her work. but not even a single reply? even this morning, when i sent her a msg, her reply was so short and.... i just don't know how to say. i don't know how she feels. sometimes i really hope that she shows more of her emotions. at least tell me what she is feeling instead of keeping it a secret from me and causing me to misunderstand her all the time.

this afternoon, i came to a realisation. i suddenly realised that actually, i've already accepted the fact that she may never accept me at all. look at how long things been going on between us. for the first few months that we started knowing each other, things were really going up. but then, it just hit a barrier and never went up any more. very often, misunderstandings happen and things go down again. it takes a very long time to get things back up again but like before, it just hits a barrier at a certain level. i'm getting tired of this. is she playing with my feelings? yeah, i know we're not couples. she's not committed to me and nor am i to her. but i never seem to be one of her priorities. and before this, she wanted me to wait for her. then she told me i should give up because she's afraid she'll hurt me. how? an sign, foreshadowing that she will never ever accept me?

she makes me so hurt a lot of times. she makes me frustrated, angry, and whatever other reasons that you can think of. and no matter what, even though sometimes it's not my fault, she will always push the blame to me. that is why, even though i'm so hurt at times, i have to say sorry and admit that everything is my fault. because i love her. but now i seriously doubt if it is worth it to wait for her and go through such suffering. the thing is, i'm so in love with her. sometimes, i am just so so frustrated with her. but seeing her msg, seeing how happy she is, my frustration will just go away. its just that sometimes, she doesn't give me reasonable explanations. i really wanted to ask her for reasons, but i'm so afraid that she will be mad because i think so. it's so hard to love someone. especially someone like her. she gets on my nerves. yet, despite how much i wanted to tell her off, i just can't do so. because i love her. because i don't want to lose her.

things are even worse with my class. in case you haven't known, i'm the class monitor. and being the class monitor for my class in nothing but headache. they are a bunch of pampered children who still live in their own luxurious life where they get everything done for them. they never do what they should and in the end, they just push the job to someone else, like me. after all, what are class monitors for if not to torture and take care of all the needs of the class? do everything for them, or they will hate you and make things even more difficult for you. i really just went through the worst few days of my life here. and when i really need to talk to someone about it, there is no one. so many things are happening that i really feel like crying. i really hoped that she is there to console me and to make things better. but just when i need her the most, she is busy and do not even reply my messages. i just feel so so down right now....

the only reason i'm not breaking down and cry is because i'm in the public library. i sent her a mesage just now, hopin to be able to chat with her, tell her all my problems but until now, there is no reply. yes, i know that she's very busy, but can she at least send me a message to tell me why? no reply at all....