Waiting still...

For the first time in so many months, I actually feel contented with life. Actually, I mean contented with my situation with Jaryn. Because all this while, ever since we got back from the winter trip, things have just not been right. We had been arguing almost every day, and even on days that we didn’t even had time to chat. But the last few weeks, I can see that there is a huge change in her. She’s more... expressive? I just can’t describe it. But there is a change in her. And I know that it must be hard on her, because she doesn’t like to be someone she’s not. And I know she’s probably forcing herself to do all these things. But I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her to go on like this? Because frankly, I like the way things are. We don’t argue anymore, except for a few days back and everything seems so perfect. But then, she must be suffering within, just trying to keep this up. I wonder every day if she’s okay. What should I do?

Sometimes, I really hope I can know more about what she’s feeling. She just doesn’t tell me all these. That day, she sent me an email because she’s been thinking a lot and she wants to tell me about them. But when I did write a long lengthy essay as a reply, all I get from her is an ok. I mean what is going on in the head of yours? You hate me? You don’t hate me? You’re disappointed? You won’t care that much about me anymore? What?

Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of headaches. And trust me, after I came to uk, my headaches have really decreased. So these few days, getting them is kind of surprising. And probably because the last few days things have not been going so well. I found out that there’s so much going on in her mind, and we got into a few arguments. And I really hate all this. I’ve noticed a pattern with our relationship. There’s always a great fight, from which we will get along very very well for a few weeks or months. Then suddenly, as things are so so perfect, a small disagreement happens. And it builds up into more frequent and more heated fights. Until one point, we get into such a huge fight that we kind of don’t want to talk to each other. Then, we get along again and the whole process starts all over again. I don’t want this! I want her to accept me. I want to be with her. 1 year ago, I can clearly see in my mind that we will be together. But as time passes by, until now, I’m not sure if it’s possible for us to be anything more than friends. I’m so sad because of this. Yes, things have been going on quite smoothly, but we have never been more than just friends. It’s not the title of being boyfriend and girlfriend. But it’s her acceptance towards me. I don’t know if she will ever be able to commit to a relationship with me. I wonder if she can commit to a relationship at all. I’ve been waiting for quite some time. And I’m still waiting. If in the beginning the idea of her accepting me as her boyfriend is as clear as the sun, now it’s like a dying star, it’s lights about to be put out. It’s still there, but god knows when the light’s will die out.