im getting too carried away

over the past few days, i have gotten too much hope in my heart. i remembered that before this, i do not hope for so much. and because of that, i do not feel as much pain as i do now. when i put so much hope, i realise that i get hurt over small and petty things. and that is the reason why i try to hide things from her. because it will hurt her if i say it out loud. but when i don't, it hurts like hell. i guess this is the price to pay, because in order for her to be happy, i have to sacrifice my feelings. better for me to suffer alone than to tell her and hurt her. it might even result in further arguments. i really don't want that at all.

lately, even though she did chatted with me, i felt sad too. because it wasn't much. when i compare myself with david, i realise that my situation is so much better. but why am i feeling so sad, even though i just didn'tchat with her much? is this how love works?

a long time ago, when i broke up with my first, and when i parted ways with grace, i vowed not to love again. that's two times. but i always do, in the end. as i have now. i am so afraid sometimes, because like in the past, i put so much hope into a girl and in the end, end up getting my heart hurt. our relationship seemed so perfect, little defects. that is the reason why i put in so much hope in the beginning. but i always end up heartbroken. people get traumatised even when their hearts got broken once. how about me? i experienced it twice.

i do feel at times that i should just give up. not because i don't love her. not because it is a one sided love. but because we both seem to have such vast differences in personalities. there are often misunderstandings too. i'm still wondering whether i should hold on now. the one main things that makes me feel this way is her priorities. i never seem to be her priority. and that hurts me very very badly. i just want to give up because of the hurt.

sorry....

i'm really sorry for my previous post, in case you have read. if you haven't please just leave it and don't ask. why am i saying this? because i suddenly realise that some people do know about this blog, which i thought is a sanctuary to me. and damn, the idea that it is not scares me. who knows who have been reading it anyway. well, back to what i was saying, i'm really sorry for saying that. it was unjustified. an act of anger which leaves me regretting. so forgive me please.

sometimes....

i just hate myself sometimes. i am very emotional, sensitive and paranoid. and i have to admit that this is a part of my weakness that deters other people from me. especially in love. i have been in a few relationships now and i have always been paranoid. and scared. i tend to think of things too deeply and too much. sometimes, i can't see that things are just as simple as it is. somehow, i have this poor thinking that nothing is as simple as it seems. if a guy gives me a smile and say good luck, i will be wondering if he has any ulterior motives or if he is sarcastic. if a friend says i am clever, i will keep on wonder if she is being cynical. this is a great weakness of mine. and i have to say that i hate being this way. i'm quite certain that it is this attribute that drove grace away from me, despite how hard i tried to deny it. in the end, her leaving me was a result of my own mistakes. mistakes that i don't even want to admit. because admitting is hard and simply because truth hurts. everyone makes mistakes. everyone has done wrong before. but admitting is a very hard part of repentance. and it is also very important if a person want to avoid doing that mistake again. the problem is, i have tried over and over again to throw this attribute of mine out the window but with no success. i am vain and egoistic. i seldom want to admit my own mistakes. and the thing is, the same applies for other people too. they too think that they are right often, and blame others. in the end, we blame each other, sever our friendship and lose friendships that sometimes take years to build.

why am i saying this all of a sudden? i just thought of it. and realise how stupid i have been all this time. not all the time, of course, but a lot of times. i pray that i will be able to change this. i don't want to do the same mistake again with jaryn. i don't want to push her away from me. i don't want to hurt her more than i have already. i'm sorry for all i have done.

feeling down

i didn't go to class today, because i was having an emotional breakdown. well, that was too strong a word to use. i just don't feel like going to class anymore. to me, it would be so much better to let us rest up these few days before the exam and let us study by ourselves. our lecturers have done their best and i think that it is only rational that we start studying ourselves. last night, i almost finished studying for my language description. surprise, surprise!!! it wasn't that long anyway. and to think that i was so stressed up because of that. but remembering the things that i have learnt during the exam? now, that's a different thing.

i was kind of sad these few days, because it has been 3 days since i last chatted with her. yes, it is only 3 days after all. but for someone like me, 1 day is already nerve-breaking. what more to say 3 days. i wanted to write this in my other blog, where she can read and know how much i missed her. but she once told me (not so long ago), that i cannot be sad over trivial matters. how can others depend on me if i myself is not strong enough? it strikes deep into my heart. so i have to keep this to myself and never tell her.

a few days ago was my ex's birthday. actually i had totally forgotten and i had no intention to wish her. but i was chatting with her bro, who happens to be my best friend, and he told me so. and i don't know if this is a mistake, but i wished her happy birthday. and the worst thing was, she just broke up with her boyfriend. all of a sudden yesterday, she texted me and said all those weird things about how hurt she is by her boyfriend. god, please don't let her get the wrong idea.

the exam is coming soon, but i don't know if i'm ready enough for it. i mean, i have not studied much. i've only finished with l des. and social studies? barely touched. and it was supposed to one of the hardest subjects in our course. great! i'm so dead. but even if i wanted to study, i can't concentrate much. i kept feeling sad because we havn't talked much these few days. i really hope that today won't be the same. but even if it is, what can i do anyway? all i can do is pretend i'm alright and lament silently...

lousy windows live

its annoying, but i will have to move most of my blogging activities here already, because i cannot write a blog in windows live? haha... sad but true. honestly!!! everytime i click on either home, profile, space, people or whatever, it comes to an empty page. it just stops working. so what am i gonna do? luckily, i have a back up blog somewhere. hahaha....

yesterday, i talked a lot with her. more like chatted anyway. and we touched some issues. i'm really sorry that i am not observant enough. that has always been my weakness. i don't know why, but i am sleepy most of the time and sometimes, while chatting with her, i do feel sleepy also. haha.... especially when we're exchanging messages. her replies can be very slow sometimes, so like in the early mornings (or late nights) that can only make me even sleepier. so i tend to miss out on a lot of things. or i don't notice things. i can even misinterpret what she says. haha... but this is not an excuse. that is why nowadays, if i'm chatting until late at night, i always do something else. to keep me awake. hehe.... but even so, that makes me less focused on her message. hehe... hard also.

suddenly today, the wireless can't be used anymore. no words can describe how sad i am when it happens. that means that i can't chat with her using msn anymore. and she didn't really like text messages too. can be quite a headache. i'll try to message her less then. life is so so boring nowadays. and even though the exam is coming soon i can't study. it's just not in my nature to study. all i can do i try to remember some important things right before the exam. because that is the only thing i can do...

long time no see!!!

sorry ya my dear dear blog. i never wrote here anymore. its been so long since i last posted here. haha... but the way my life is right now, i may never write here again. everything is cruising very smoothly right now, and i hope that it will remain that way. in any case, does she know about this blog too? she mentioned something this afternoon. god, she's scary!!! she kind of knows everything!

but i guess its my freedom to write whatever i want. i sure hope people don't read this blog because what i say may be very offensive. i hate my class. that may be exaggerated but i still hate them. okay, not all, just some. sometimes they just don't give cooperation in whatever we do. as a class, of course. that day, i was asked to discuss a few activities with the whole class and come up with some practical ones that we can do after the final exam, before we go back. but heck, i guess it is just not important right? after all, what can mr fauzi do to them? all he can do is scold me and what the heck? they're not me, so no harm done. and yeah, i think i understand that you daily dose of gossip and the latest news and that oh-so-important text message to that someone cannot wait. after all, if they missed it then, they will die.

yup, i can be very sarcastic sometimes. so much that i get hated by people for my snide remarks and sarcastc comments. the class t-shirt is another failure. we wanted something united, something that can be the identity of our class. and there you go. some don't want it. some want to do it in uk. some think its not worth it. great. i'm sure uk is the land of promises that everything will come true, including t-shirts that is cheap, made of high quality material and everyone can be satisfied with. how do you even know where to do it? by the time it is done, its time for us to graduate already. great timing.

i just don't want to be the ko this semester. didn't i make that very clear? but people insist in choosing me. maybe they believe in my abilities... maybe they just want to torture we as they had done to arvin, david and hafiz. but either way, i really wanna thank those who have been helping me non-stop when i have difficulties holding this position. namely, ben, hafiz, auni and a few others.

apart from that, my relationship/ friendship with her has been quite stable. quite happy i guess over the past few weeks. everything seemed so perfect right now. let it just remain that way until we both are in uk. then i'll try to make things work out. please support me too, jaryn...

argh!!!!

ever since i showed my windows live blog to her, my life has gone upside down. not only do i have no place to let out my heart's laments, i'll have to filter what i say very carefully all the time, because i do not know when she might be reading. because she meant a lot to me, even though i want to say a lot of things, i do not say it out. i don't want to hurt her. and in the process, i kept it to myself and hurt myself. crazy right? that's love. sacrificing myself for others. last night, i was disappointed that she did not reply my messages much. i mean i have to wait for nearly half an hour for one reply. and imagine how many messages that can be in one night, starting from 12 midnight. not much... and i was having such a half time even breathing, yet i kept myself awake to chat with her. in the end, i couldn't take it anymore so i just told her i was gonna sleep already, while keeping a very cheerful attitude. hurting but trying very hard to seem cheerful... that's what i am accustomed to already... loving her is not easy... that is why often i want to give up. yet i love her so much i cant. i just can't let go despite how much she makes me so disappointed...