sometimes....

i just hate myself sometimes. i am very emotional, sensitive and paranoid. and i have to admit that this is a part of my weakness that deters other people from me. especially in love. i have been in a few relationships now and i have always been paranoid. and scared. i tend to think of things too deeply and too much. sometimes, i can't see that things are just as simple as it is. somehow, i have this poor thinking that nothing is as simple as it seems. if a guy gives me a smile and say good luck, i will be wondering if he has any ulterior motives or if he is sarcastic. if a friend says i am clever, i will keep on wonder if she is being cynical. this is a great weakness of mine. and i have to say that i hate being this way. i'm quite certain that it is this attribute that drove grace away from me, despite how hard i tried to deny it. in the end, her leaving me was a result of my own mistakes. mistakes that i don't even want to admit. because admitting is hard and simply because truth hurts. everyone makes mistakes. everyone has done wrong before. but admitting is a very hard part of repentance. and it is also very important if a person want to avoid doing that mistake again. the problem is, i have tried over and over again to throw this attribute of mine out the window but with no success. i am vain and egoistic. i seldom want to admit my own mistakes. and the thing is, the same applies for other people too. they too think that they are right often, and blame others. in the end, we blame each other, sever our friendship and lose friendships that sometimes take years to build.

why am i saying this all of a sudden? i just thought of it. and realise how stupid i have been all this time. not all the time, of course, but a lot of times. i pray that i will be able to change this. i don't want to do the same mistake again with jaryn. i don't want to push her away from me. i don't want to hurt her more than i have already. i'm sorry for all i have done.