broken hearted

i am really so sad and hurt right now. beccause i have decided that i should give up on jaryn. because of one small disagreement. because this time, i refuse to give in and don't want to apologize. and i so hate myself for not doing so. but it is too late, because she hates me to the core right now and i know, she is not the best girl around anyway. i hate her for a number of reasons. but always, i tend to let her good side overshadow her bad side. but somehow, in times like this, her negative side proves superior. i totally understand now why people drink when they are sad and broken hearted. yup, stupid thing to do, but i did that anyway. because i was really sad and hurt, i took quite a lot of shots of vodka. and yeah, i got so dizzy that i couldn't even keep myself walking straight. and i went straight to bed. i just woke up minutes ago, and i don't think the effects are gone, but they have surely weakened. i guess alcohol is going to be my best friend from now on. she used to stop me and prohibit me from taking. but i don't really care anymore.

despair... is it time for me to give up?

i have always waited for her. i am still waiting too. but i am now wondering if the time has come for me to let it all go. because what she did these last few days has really hurt me beyond words can express. before this, the many simple things that she did can just lift my spirits up. but now, it feels like not much anymore. what ever she did before this would not have hurt me so much, but now it seems like the smallest things can cause me to bleed so much. am i getting too sensitive? am i getting too emotional? i think i am. and i really feel fear. fear that this is the beginning of the end. because i have seen this before and sadly to say, i am not the type who can give up even though i see this coming. i am like an idiot, clinging on to this dying relationship to the very end. hoping to the end. i rarely go out with her anymore. even when i wanted to walk with her to class, she refuses. only when she will pass by my house, then she allows me to walk with her. she has really changed a lot. and i'm wondering if i am still in love with this person who has changed? can i still wait for her? i am so considering what david has said. because he knows my situation the best. and he is rational. it is this time that i need his advice the most. when i am not thinkin rationally, but affected by my feelings. maybe he's right. maybe i should just forget jaryn and go for ben. she has really been so nice to me. she's always so caring toward me and i can say that most people even think that we are so suitable together. the same interests and all. i can't just stop loving a person. because i am an idiot who clings to the very love that may be failing.

heart

Sometimes I feel so frustrated. Because she cannot see what I mean. Because through chatting, she cannot ever see my facial expression. She will never know if I’m feeling well or not. A lot of times, she is still laughing when I am feeling so sad and hurt already. Sometimes, my feelings are just so simple to comprehend. I just hope she can spend more time with me. I just hope she will show more care and concern, instead of hiding it. I am not a very observant person, who can see things within her. What I do notice is the stuff that is very obvious and straightforward. And most of the time, when she does that, even though she did so much already, I would never notice a thing. And in the end, I will end up being down and sad. And the thing is, even the smallest things can affect me. So when I ask her out a few times, and she declined each time, I feel hurt very much.

I’m not really feeling very well right now. So I’m saying stupid things. But I guess these are the feelings deep down in my heart. Pure and untainted thoughts that never went through any filters. They seem childish I know, partly because I am still childish. And what I can say is that being deprived of something makes u want that thing very much. What you can never have in your childhood is what you long for when you grow up. Maybe I made a mistake, hoping that she would express her feelings more. Because she is just not the type of person who does that. And even asking her to do that sometimes hurt her. So I end up wishing for something, but I cannot tell her, because I am afraid I might hurt her when I say so.

The one thing that hurts me is that I keep on comparing her to grace. Probably because I really had such great feeling toward grace previously. And seriously, I keep on wondering if I am making a mistake waiting for her. I never thought much about this, but recent events forced me to. I do think of going for some other girl instead. Maybe even going back for grace. The only thing stopping me now is the fact that I might have a chance with jaryn. And I don’t think grace might accept me now. I gave up last year. And now I regretted it very much. It was like there was something there. But because of one small thing, that she could not join me for a movie one last time before I went back to kk, I took it as a sign and gave up. That is why I didn’t give up now with jaryn, even though there were quite a lot of signs. I was afraid the same thing would happen again. I am sick of being hurt in love so many times already. How I wish I could have a long lasting and happy relationship with jaryn. How I wished that can happen. I would do anything for that.

what the hell?

i just don't know why that everytime i plan something, something to do wif jaryn, i cant get to do it in the end? sometimes i really don't mind because they are not that important, so i can deal with it. but why do sometimes, when i went through all the trouble to plan stuff, they all turn out to be useless? and i am really frustrated already. not with her, of course. never. the fact is that i had really really did so much to plan stuff to do with her, but they always turn out to be nil. and to be honest, this is the first time that i had even did so much for a girl.

the first time was in gaya, when she visited us. and coincidentally, her birthday fell on one of the days. and i had already planned to bring her to a cafe for dinner. and it didn't work out.
the next time was in melaka, when i went all the way there to meet her. and that, i swear is the most i had ever done for any girl. i went to melaka, despite my friend's protest, despite the fact that i might not make it back to kl for my flight. and i could only meet her for a few hours. not to mention that i got rejected too. but that i understood perfectly.

and now, this afternoon, i went missing. i went to town. because i'm bringing her to a theater tomorrow, i wanted to make sure i know the places. i went and checked the theater, make sure i know the entrance, and where the building is. and since i said we would be going earlier, i went and checked out some restaurants and cafe for well, lunch or dinner or both. she said she wanted to look for a sleeping bag, so i went to a few shops to scout out the prices, so i know where they are displayed, how much the prices are. and now i learned that she most probably wouldn't be able to go out early anyway.

i don't blame her at all. not at all. i understand perfectly that she has something to do tomorrow afternoon and i don't want to force her not to go too. but why this coincidence? why is there a birthday party tomorrow? if you look at the maths, its 24 out of 365. what are the odds that the birthday fell on the day i planned? maybe this is my fault after all. i should have checked that there are no events tomorrow. i checked the timetable, made sure no matches, made sure no apointments. who would have thought to check the birthday list? and that is why i feel so disappointed. because things always turn out so badly when i really plan something. when i really do put in effort for it, it turns out wrong. it got so frustrating that i had decided to just not plan anything at all. just follow what happens. but she told me i shouldn't do that and that is why i am planning again this time. and i feel so disappointed now. i'm not blaming her at all. but why does this have to happen? haiz...

this feeling again

i just thought that i would be so happy now that she is so near to me and we're just getting along fine. but this afternoon i was proved wrong. as i always was. i never thought that my single remark that she should not go to the badminton and should instead stay at home so she can finish her work would cause such a great effect on her. i know she has to rush her work because she's going somewhere on sunday. but i can never comprehend how that remark, which to me is an act of being considerate (because i don't want her to stay up at night to finish it) became an act of discouragement to her. and if she had said that nonchalantly, i would not have minded. but it was with a sense of accusation that i didn't even know what her situation was. and to be honest, i have not felt this hurt for a very very long time. while i was taking a shower (because after that i just explained my position and left) i really was so hurt and to be honest, for the first time, i felt a bit of hatred. and even though she explained herself to me, and apologized to me, and i understood her perfectly well, the hurt lingered for a very long time. even as i type this, which is nearly 5 hours later, i still felt hurt when i thought of her. i don't mean she was wrong or anything. and i already forgave her. but this feeling doesn't just go away so easily. whenever i see her, i would suddenly feel that again. just now, when i was walking to badminton, i saw her. i was just behind her actually. i could have called out to her and asked her to wait for me. but somehow i felt that feeling again. so i didn't. and it felt like all the things that i did all this time was gone. i was just beginning to feel comfortable with her. i mean i can talk with her more casually now, even in front of her friends. but after this afternoon, it seemed like it was back to square one. i guess i was still hurt by the fact that she would be going to watch a football game with patrick. and him only. i mean a guy and a girl? you can't blame me for feeling something there. and not just 1 day, but 3. i know i have a bad memory but i was sure that she didn't tell me before. only last week. i remembered she said she would be missing more classes but she never did say. she said she told only one person. and guess what? it was auni, not me. she told me. of course i felt hurt too. but i know that i have hurt her more than she has hurt me. and i am not angry with her or anything. but this feeling will still be here for some time. i hope by the time we go for winter vacation, it will be gone. i'm not hating her or being angry with her. and i hope that if you're reading this, don't be mad. i'm just saying that i felt very hurt. and i would stick with me for sometime. no other intentions.

down... again...

i cant believe i would be writing here again after so long. but the fact that i have, shows that i feel so uneasy. things just do not seem to be as i hoped. i can almost never talk with her, except through skype and msn. i feel so disappointed because we are basically just in front of each other all the time and yet we rarely talk with each other. i has happened so many times that i just don't know if i can still hold on. hold on to what? the wish that she might one day accept me? i actually don't mind not talking with her much. but the fact is that she can spend so many time with other guys make me so... i know she said she treat them just as friends. but i really so wish to just walk her back and talk with her casually sometimes. just now, i saw that she was leaving the sports hall, and i so wanted to go talk with her and walk her back. but somehow, i hesitated. maybe it was my fault. but all this time, she had been walking back with patrick that i felt like it should be that way. and that i would be like disturbing the both of them. i did tell her some of my feelings, but she doesn't seem to understand. and it always turn out the same way. she will feel hurt instead, and i feel even worse for bringing that up. i so wanted to just spend some time with her. and yet, i never could. and to make things worse, she always said that i made her angry or hurt or disappointed. so in the end, i can't tell her anymore. i might as well just keep it deep in my heart and hurt from within. and why does she have to spend so much time playing badminton? so much that the only time i can even meet her and talk to her outside of class is in the sports hall. i just don't feel right anymore. i'm feeling very very down right now. in the past, she would be the only one who could cheer me up. but now, it seemed rather hard. sometimes, i tell her things, hoping that she would give some kind of encouragement. like some kind of reassurance. but it always returned with me hurting her or not understanding her. please can she understand me a little bit? i'm already feeling down, and yet she can manage to make me worse. so what is the point of me talking to her already? please understand that i can't say my feelings out so easily. when i tell her something, as soon as she retorted, i would lose all that i wanted to say. i guess that is why i should just write my stupid blog. this seems like somewhere for me to complain, instead of a real blog.

i'm really feeling very down right now, and i don't even know if i should tell her about this anymore. i'm so afraid that later she would say that i don't understand her o hurt her. but i just can't hold in anymore.

the thing is, she always said that she would feel shy even in front of me. in front of me with my friends, even worse. but don't i have feelings too? don't i feel shy? yes, i am a guy. i should make the move. but it doesn't mean that i don't feel anything at all. don't say i have never done anything. you think going out with her that day during deepavali was easy? not at all. i can't talk with any of them because i don't know them. and yet i still did because she said she even went out in the rain to get me a ticket. and everything happened as i thought it would. she was talking with her friends, and i was just sitting there, listening to what they are saying, wondering what they mean and hoping so much that she would just come and talk with me. but she never did.

she said i didn't talk to her much, or rather i didn't give her much to talk about. but she didn't looked so happy when she was talking with me. i mean it's quite noticeable. there is this smile when she is talking with her friends. but with me, she doesn't even smile. of course i can't talk much, seeing her like this. its like i'm some tak tau malu guy talking non-stop to her.

the one thing that really surprised me was. while she was making me feel so so miserable, when i talked with grace this afternoon, i felt happy. she actually managed to make me laugh. i wonder.

disturbance

i realise that i have not posted anything here for a very long time. in fact, i have even considered this as a forgotten land that i had abandoned a long time ago. but something, somewhere always has to pull me out of my hiding and write somethings. in this case, my feelings again. why is it that suddenly in the middle of the day, i will get so emotional? what in the world triggered this? the one thing that hurts me most right now is that she seems to be drifting further and further away. and when i stop and take a look back, i realise that the past few months have been basically, nothing. no improvements. our relationships not getting any better. its just the same as it were many many months ago. and it really really pains my heart to say this but i'm pretty sure that there won't be any happy ending for the both of us. i know i love her very much, but i don't know how she feels. and if she did feel the same, how deep is it? can it outlast our vast differences and personalities. i hate to say this but my brain can think very well and its telling me that i can't end well. and i guess this is why i feel so so down right now...