ultimatum

there is only so much that i can write to describe my pain. for the whole night, i couldn't sleep and when i do eventually, i woke up fearing the day. i was so afraid because of what happened last night. how i hoped that it was all just a dream. something that is untrue and i can just brush away like that. and i started crying again.

it is over. but not the way i wanted it to be. after all that we had gone through, she wanted me to give up now. after i had weathered so many storms and turbulences, she wanted me to let go now. and the fucking hurts like hell. when was the last time i cried so much for a girl? i really loved her so so much. and yet this is what happens. i'm starting to hate god already. there were only three times that i was really in love with a girl. and all three times, something just had to go wrong and break my heart. this time it's because she is not ready. what did i do to deserve this? i hate life. i want to take my own life. because the pain hurts so much. and guess what, i cut myself. because the pain serves as a distraction from the pain inside. i still don't hate her until now. and i know despite how many times i cursed her, i will still love her so much. and i know i won't be able to forget her. she was such an idiot to think that by stopping contact, i will be able to forget about her. i know her intentions. and that is why it won't work. but i will still try my best to forget her. because she wanted it so much. she wanted me to forget about her so much she is willing to hurt me and herself. there is nothing else i can do but respect her decision.